


Maybe

by TGP



Series: Free Will [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angels are Dicks, Dying over and over, End of Evangelion compliant sort of, F/M, Gen, It only hurts when I breathe, Kaworu needs a break, M/M, Reincarnation, Shinji has issues, So does Kaworu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-23
Updated: 2012-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-15 00:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGP/pseuds/TGP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tabris is the angel of free will. He thinks maybe it's time to use it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Floating

**Author's Note:**

> This is now a podfic!! Check it out if you like: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3683202

Tabris wakes in a sea of nothing. It's calm there. Quiet. He can vaguely sense his brothers and sisters, both separate and blended with himself. In a way, he thinks he should feel peaceful now but he doesn't. He has unfinished business.

But there's nothing to go back to. If he brought himself back, he would only make things worse. That world is closed to him now. _Shinji_ is closed from him. And that is, perhaps, what troubles him the most.

Tabris does not regret what he did. It was necessary and there was really no other alternative. He can't help thinking of how it could have been, though. How it might have been if his need to rejoin with Adam had been weaker. If his will had been stronger.

Shinji hates him, he's rather sure. How could he not? Shinji is unfailingly human and that was what Tabris loved most about him. Why he loved him at all. Tabris knew joining with Adam would mean the end of everything and even though he could do little to stop the urge, the death of humanity would have saddened him. He had been made to love humans, even if only one of them had ever truly become special to him.

He catches glimpses of that world after he's left it. They're fractured and out of order. Sometimes, he sees little pieces from when Shinji was very young, and sometimes it's from a desolate future with only two souls to share it. The visions are always of Shinji. Tabris thinks, perhaps, that's how it had to be. Though he hadn't known it, though no one had known it, Shinji is the only critical soul in that world. The only one that had ever mattered.

It's quiet. Tabris can feel himself floating and dispersing. His sense of self is growing weaker as he's absorbed into the nature of the universe. His role is complete. His memories are useless to any but himself now.

Tabris doesn't _want_ to let go.

So he doesn't. He pulls and gathers himself, pushes bits and pieces of the others outside himself. He knows that if he lets any of them blend with him, it will be over. He'll be gone. But Tabris doesn't want to be gone. He has unresolved business. _He wants to try again._

In a blinding moment as the last piece of himself filters back into his collective self, there is pain. It rips and tears and blinds him to all else. He thinks maybe he's dying, _soul death_ , but it lasts too long. It lasts for an eternity.

Then he opens his eyes. And realizes he has eyes to open.

Tabris looks at his hands. His _body_. He has one and it's as he remembered it. Thin, lanky, pale. Five fingers and five toes. _Human_. He touches his face and feels the familiar features, rakes his fingers back through messy hair. For a moment, he wonders if he's dreaming but he would have to be physical to dream.

He realizes he's smiling. _He has a mouth to smile with._

Tabris doesn't know how long he wades through the mix euphoria and astonishment, but eventually he lifts his gaze and notices that he's not in the void anymore. Its dark and cold around him and he feels he should be breathing but there's nothing to breath. Instead, he is surrounded by small, green and blue spheres.

It takes touching one before Tabris realizes what they are. _Worlds._ Some of them are barren, from wars or disasters. Some of them are covered in sprawling cities choking with smog. Some of them are forested wonderlands. The ones he's really interested in are like the world he just left.

All of them are Earth. They're the same world, but different choices shaped them. Different people.

"Shinji," Tabris finds himself whispering as he finds a world where Shinji will be born, _has_ been born, has died in. He could go there. He could be with Shinji again. But then he realizes that in this world, Shinji is happy. Shinji didn't need him. Tabris rejects the world immediately. He won't be party to possibly ruining that for him.

So he searches. He looks through every world, looking for one where Shinji needs him. Where angels don't exist. Where he would be a boon instead of causing tragedy. When he finds a few worlds that meet these needs, he chooses the one that he will impact the most. He finds a Shinji who cannot make it on his own. Who needs guidance. Needs _him_. A friend, a confidant. _Him_.

Tabris is the angel of free will. He thinks maybe it's time to use it.

Joining that world brings pain and confusion. He searches out a proper parent host, finds an infant that would die without his interference, where a soul has not yet laid claim. Tabris claims the body himself and imprints his name upon his new mother's mind. He's selfish. He wants _that_ name. The one Shinji called him.

Nagisa Kaworu is born into a new world on a cool, winter morning. When he cries at his rebirth, it is with joy.


	2. Life One

Nagisa Kaworu is not exactly human. He tried but the result of his "reincarnation" isn't as successful as he'd hoped. The body he has is a mix of both human and angel in a world where angels do not exist. Where he should not exist. Because he does, there is a consequence. Most of his early life is spent in the hospital.

His mother, Kana, is a quiet, weak willed woman who visits every day to ply the affection onto him that she doesn't receive from her husband. He doesn't really love her, but Kaworu is fond of her nonetheless and he does his best to comfort her. She thinks his illness is her fault because she's sickly herself and nothing he says will convince her otherwise. He thinks, perhaps, that she will never understand something not being her fault.

His father, Jiro, only visits to drag his wife home for a few hours. He is an angry and cruel man. Kaworu knew this, even before he'd been born, but this couple was the only viable one close enough to his real target.

Ikari Shinji lives only one block away.

It's not until Kaworu reaches five that he's well enough to go to school. His body has finally started settling and strengthening as it bends to his own will to live. He's very small and the albinism he knew before is familiar enough that he doesn't mind the odd looks he gets from other children. Some of them look as if they think they can catch it. Some of them are just weary. But there is one boy sitting in the back of the class completely ignoring him.

Kaworu didn't meet Shinji until they were fourteen before, but he recognizes him now anyway. That dark hair, the far away look in his eyes, the gentle feel of his soul are all the same. And he's just as surprised when Kaworu introduces himself and makes friends. Shinji tries not to show how happy it makes him but Kaworu notices. Kaworu notices everything about Shinji.

When they're young, Kaworu can pretend that this is all new to him. He can play in the sand and watch clouds and dream about being a Big Boy. And in a way, he really does forget what he was once and loses himself in the here and now.

And then he sees Ikari Gendo and Yui and it all comes crushing down around him. It's not that they're unkind or that they know, but Kaworu does and that makes even talking to them awkward at best. He knows they notice because during a sleep over, he hears Yui worry over how distant he is as Gendo wonders if it's because of what he's heard about the Nagisa parents. Kaworu thinks this is a bit jarring.

They're not even in double digits before Yui is dead and the world begins to crash around Shinji. Kaworu knew it would happen but he'd forgotten in the haze of happiness. It shocks him nearly as badly as Shinji. All he can do is sit on Shinji's bed with him, holding his hand tightly as Shinji pretends he's not crying. Big Boys didn't cry and he had to be a Big Boy for Daddy.

After that, it's like watching a movie. Kaworu goes through the motions as an extra in Shinji's life, doing his best to minimize the damage he came there to witness. Gendo grows cold and distant and works too much. Shinji is quiet. Kaworu does what he can. It's not much.

At twelve, they try their first cigarettes and it's pretty horrible. They don't bother again but Kaworu keeps the image of Shinji's lips against the gold filter in his mind. He keeps a lot of images there.

They're fourteen when Kaworu catches Shinji looking at girls. Girls didn't really play into anything before that. They were too much trouble and, besides which, they had cooties. Apparently, Shinji had decided cooties didn't need to be feared anymore. Kaworu isn't sure how he feels about that.

He's even less sure about the fact that Shinji keeps staring at Rei Ayanami. She's a fully natural human this time around, but her looks are so striking that it's no wonder Shinji's looking. And Kaworu…

Kaworu is _angry_. He knew before, the first time, that Shinji had lingering feelings over Ayanami. But that was because of her cloned blood, her cloned _connection_ to him. It was because Rei was at her core Yui and Shinji had been searching for his mother in every woman he knew without even realizing it. This isn't the same. Rei isn't Yui. She's not even the Rei he remembers. She's clumsy and easily flustered and so very _human_.

Kaworu wants to smother her with his hands.

But he doesn't. Instead, he does as he always has. He stays at Shinji's side. He watches what has to be the most awkward courtship known to man, which isn't really a courtship because neither of them really admit to any of it.

He's sick inside with emotions he barely understands. Doesn't she realize that Shinji is _his?_ Kaworu has a claim on him not even _God_ could contest, if there is a God. He came back to this, threw away his being whole and one with his brothers and sisters just for this chance…

When Kaworu accidently walks in on their first kiss, he can barely contain himself. He just stares at them as both rush through embarrassed explanations and back-peddling. If Rei were any less mortified than Shinji, Kaworu might have struck her right then. But he doesn't. He has enough control for that. Shinji needs someone.

He was just hoping that someone would be _him_.

So Kaworu gives them his best grin, the one he practiced in the mirror for Kana until it was almost natural. And Rei buys it. She looks so relieved it makes Kaworu want to beat her even more. Shinji doesn't. Not at first. For a moment, Kaworu wonders just what Shinji's seeing. If he's actually seeing _him_ , for once. But then Shinji's shoulders sag and his lips quirk into a uneasy smile.

Kaworu avoids them both for a good week while pretending he isn't. He doesn't really understand why he's doing it, just that the sight of their hands shyly curled around one another brings back the anger full force. So he does his best not to look.

They date for a full year, which is a lifetime to a teenager. A lifetime to Kaworu. By then, he's really good at forgetting how angry he is.

He also forgot that he chose this world because he knew Shinji's life would be fraught with pain.

Kaworu often joins Shinji and Rei on walks around town. It isn't as if he wants to be at his house. His mother is sick again and his father is even more temperamental than usual. So, Kaworu walks along Shinji's side, carefully ignoring how Shinji holds Rei's hand and the soft smiles between them. He joins their conversation and they laugh as if they're all good friends. In a way, they might be, under all the resentment Kaworu hasn't been able to put aside.

It's a nice day. The sun is shining, the wind is warm, and there are happy couples and families all over the place. It gives Kaworu a bit of a balm over his feelings. He almost enjoys himself.

Kaworu pauses as he notices something in one of the windows. He lets the others go ahead. Shinji's birthday is coming up and he's been talking about that game… Kaworu checks his wallet. He's been doing odd jobs around the neighborhood lately and as he counts up the bills, he smiles. He's got enough. But he'll have to buy it some other day. There's plenty of time.

He turns to catch up with Shinji and Rei. They've gotten half way up the street, laughing with each other. Kaworu starts jogging up to meet them when he notes a large truck racing down the street. Pedestrians curse and yell out as they dodge out of the way.

Except Shinji and Rei haven't noticed.

And they're stepping out onto the street to cross.

And the truck swerves towards them.

Kaworu's heart stops. He barely realizes he's still moving. His eyes are locked onto their forms and he screams at them. Rei's head lifts. She turns to follow his voice and spots the truck. And Kaworu sees the split second as she makes a decision.

Rei shoves Shinji with every ounce of strength she has. But while he stumbles with the force, falls outside the danger radius, she doesn't have time to do the same. She's going to die.

And even as much as Kaworu hates her, he can't let that happen. He can't let Shinji lose her.

How he got there in time, Kaworu doesn't know. But Rei is thrown free and then suddenly he's on the ground, staring up into blurry faces. He doesn't feel much and at first, he doesn't quite know what's going on. But Shinji is leaned over him, wailing his name with tears rolling down his face fast and thick. Little droplets of water hit Kaworu's face. He barely feels it but he still smiles. He tells Shinji it's okay because it is now. He changed the history of this world by being there. Without the support, he would have crumbled. But Kaworu saved his support. He saved Rei.

He's still smiling as the world darkens and his body dies around him.


	3. Life Two - Part 1

When Kaworu wakes, it's cold and he's crying. There are bright lights and loud noises and he just wants to go back to sleep but cool hands poke and prod him for a while before he's wrapped in soft warmth and allowed to rest.

Later, when his brain has caught up with his soul, he realizes he's been born into a new world. And with that comes the realization that he didn't mean to be, nor does he have any idea what this world will bring.

Except that pretty soon, it becomes obvious to him that the only bit of human in him is his shape. _And he can feel Adam._ That scares him more than he wants to admit. He forgot how irresistible the pull of Adam is, the urge to merge with him and complete a destiny he never chose. Sixteen and a half years without that pull had been pure bliss.

He's been born into a research facility that brings back hateful memories, except the doctor working with him is named Soryu this time. Kaworu knows she has a personal name, but she doesn't tell it to him. Dr. Soryu is loud and gregarious, except when she looks at him. When her eyes fall onto his face, she goes cold and calculating.

Dr. Soryu doesn't care enough to assign him a name. He's only called Project Three. Which suits him just fine, honestly. He doesn't want them to be so familiar as to use his personal name. He hates Dr. Soryu almost as much as he hates himself for what he is and what he will do. Because he knows he will seek Adam. He just hopes Shinji doesn't exist here. He's terrified there will be a repeat performance despite the differences.

Kaworu learns how to escape his room by the time he's three. And he does. Often. Any time Dr. Soryu isn't with him, he's exploring the compound and keeping out of sight. He memorizes the whole duct system in a few days and uses it to travel freely, in the interests of getting snacks from the cafeteria or watching television broadcasts to figure out how much the same this world is.

This is how he meets Asuka Langley Soryu. Kaworu recognizes her immediately, of course. The red hair is a dead give away, as is her commanding presence. Asuka has a great amount of self importance even now. For a little while, Kaworu just watches as Asuka bothers one of the lab technicians with endless questions that, if one actually paid attention to, are quite a bit deeper than she should have been able to manage. He knows Asuka is three because he's heard Dr. Soryu talk about her like some prized possession. Sometimes, Kaworu wonders what it's like to be held as so precious.

The third time he finds Asuka, Kaworu drops out of the cooling vent right next to her. And then she screams and decks him.

"Are you a _crazy person?_ " she screeches out at him as he sits in the floor with one hand on his throbbing cheek. Kaworu just smiled at her as pleasantly as he can.

"I don't think so," he tells her and Asuka gives a little hmph as she folds her arms over her chest.

It isn't the most successful first meeting but after that, they find each other often. Kaworu's just happy to have someone around who isn't wondering when he'll turn on them like Dr. Soryu thinks he will. Asuka is content as long as he follows her around and talks to her doll like a real person.

It's peaceful. Kaworu doesn't even really mind the tests he still undergoes or how Dr. Soryu tends to stab him more painfully when she's drawing blood. She hates how he follows Asuka around and he's heard her tell Asuka more than once to watch out for him. Asuka, of course, doesn't care. She's confident in her ability to fight him off if he turns and, oddly enough, that's a kind of comfort to him.

They've known each other for six months when something goes wrong in the experiments. And then Dr. Soryu isn't Kaworu's doctor anymore. She's not _anyone's_ doctor. She's not even Asuka's mother anymore.

No one tells Kaworu what happened but he finds Dr. Soryu in her private quarters later and it's… Kaworu didn't think he could be upset for anything bad happening to her but he is. He is because when he finds them, Dr. Soryu is sitting at her little dining table, clutching Asuka's doll and talking to her like Asuka. And Asuka herself is sitting on the other end and saying _nothing_.

It isn't hard to drag Asuka out of there. Dr. Soryu mutters to the doll about _that girl over there_ and Asuka's crying but for once she doesn't seem to care. Kaworu takes her out of the doctors' quarters and back to his own room where they sit on his bed and Kaworu pets her hair. He doesn't know what to say because with his memories, he knows what happened to Dr. Soryu and he knows it will just get worse.

At four, the two of them are put into training to be Eva pilot candidates. Kaworu falls into it easily, of course, and Asuka… She _thrives_. Every bit of her energy goes into working for this one goal. Kaworu encourages her as he can and does his best to do just a little worse than her, trailing behind. She doesn't notice and he's glad.

When Asuka is named the Second Child, Kaworu follows her back to her room to tell her mother. Dr. Soryu hasn't spoken to Asuka in years but Asuka fills the silence as she always has.

And there is a grave silence waiting for them.

Asuka's screaming before Kaworu sees the body hanging from the ceiling fan. And he feels sick inside, both for the lingering stab of vengeance he feels and the certainty that this will break Asuka into pieces. He shouldn't care about Asuka, he knows that, but he does. Later, when they're both teenagers and settled into their strong, outward masks, Kaworu will break Asuka again by seeking Adam as he was meant to. But right now, all he can do is hold her hand and alert the staff to Dr. Soryu's suicide.

Things are… strange after that. Kaworu doesn't realize Asuka's drifted from him until she's already gone, closed up tight in a tower so fragile, it should have fallen under its own weight. But, somehow, she remains standing. Maybe it's Mr. Kaji, the man chosen as her guardian after Dr. Soryu died and Asuka's father refused to take custody. She seems infatuated enough with him. Kaworu doesn't know what to think of the man. He wonders, perhaps, if he's a little jealous of her affection towards him, though he's not sure why that should affect him. It's not as if he wants her.

But Mr. Kaji gets to see her away from prying eyes. Maybe. For all her forceful personality, Kaworu's starting to wonder if any of it is real.

Kaworu is named the Third Child. It bothers him more than it should. He knows that Rei is the First Child, but where…

Where is Shinji?

He's missing when Asuka and Kaworu head to Tokyo 3. They meet Rei, who is everything Kaworu remembers and nothing at all. He's bombarded by the memories of two different versions and it's hard not to expect her to suddenly blurt something and be embarrassed by it. But she doesn't. She's unfailingly quiet, blank, and doll-like, and he can taste the artificial nature of her body and the taint of angel in her blood. It makes him sick.

Kaworu sits on the walk in front of Unit 01's face. He stares into armored visage and almost feels as if something inside it is shying from him, on guard and ready to defend itself. He doesn't blame it. He's known from the beginning about Evas and the souls housed within them. Of course Ikari Yui would find him distasteful. Fighting the urge to rebel, to give up the human mask he's so skillfully worn, is almost painful. He _will_ fail, of course, but he has a mission to finish first.

He needs to find Shinji now that he knows Shinji exists. Before it's too late and his control fractures.


	4. Life Two – Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, so it's been a while. My MO at its finest. The next few chapters will be coming quick because... well, they're already written! Just need editing. Have at, folks.

NERV is predictable. Kaworu and Asuka are sent to the same school Rei has been attending. He doesn’t know why they bother. Maybe they’re trying to have the pilots make connections with students so that they will have some reason to fight, other than for themselves. He sees familiar faces in the class but none of them really matter to him.  
  
Asuka is flocked, though. She’s beautiful and her personality is so strong. And she’s competing with Rei. Something about Rei offends Asuka to the core and Kaworu doesn’t understand it, but he tries to smooth the way as much as he can without taking Rei’s side. Rei doesn’t need his support; Asuka does.  
  
The one familiar face he was hoping to see isn’t there. No student has transferred into the class except for he and Asuka. No Shinji.  
  
Kaworu knows Shinji exists. He knows it and now Shinji is pulling him far harder than Adam ever has. So, when he isn’t training or fighting, Kaworu is searching. Public records, phone books, NERV’s mainframe, anything he can get his hands on.  
  
There’s no sign of Shinji. Gendo’s records are sealed tighter than he can hack through, and Kaworu gets the terrible notion that maybe Shinji perished in the event that took his mother’s life.  
  
“Come on, I need to get out of here,” Asuka says one day, grabbing his hand. Her face is flushed with anger from some mistaken word of Rei’s and her grip tight enough that it should have hurt. Kaworu gives a careless smile to Rei, who doesn’t bother noticing, and follows along behind Asuka as he’s always done.  
  
They’re free to leave school whenever they like. The school gives Eva pilots certain privileges, mostly because NERV forces the issue. So no one gives them trouble about walking right out the door. They catch a train and Kaworu isn’t sure where they’re going, but he isn’t worried.  
  
The aquarium surprises him a bit. It’s fun to watch Asuka flit around and make faces at the fish or get offended when they swim on their way. She’s cute, past all the trauma. Kaworu can admit that much. He can almost admit that he likes her.  
  
They’ve been there a few hours when Kaworu’s eyes are drawn to a boy in a t-shirt and wide rimmed hat. Asuka doesn’t see him until they’ve knocked into each other and then she’s on the ground, dress flipped up, and the boy is stammering an apology. Kaworu’s eyes widen as his heart seizes up.  
  
The boy’s head lifts far enough to see his eyes under the hat’s brim.  
  
 _Shinji_.  
  
He barely hears Asuka snarl with offense at Shinji looking up her skirt, even though he really didn’t. Shinji backs up, trying to apologize as Asuka comes at him. Kaworu isn’t listening to what she’s saying, but he notices when she almost strikes…  
  
Asuka stares at him in mute silence. Her hand is twisted back, held in his own. Kaworu hadn’t even realized he’d moved. He takes a moment to draw in a breath.  
  
“He didn’t mean it. He’s sorry, right?” Kaworu finds himself saying.  
  
“Y-yeah,” Shinji responds, eyes flitting between the two of them as if they were crazy.  
  
Asuka jerks her hand free with a grumble. “Fine. But you won’t be so lucky next time, Shorty.”  
  
“Shorty??”  
  
Asuka turns on her heel and storms off, leaving Shinji to stare awkwardly after her. Kaworu gives him a smile he only half feigns.  
  
“Don’t let her get to you. Asuka is particular.” He holds out a hand, palm up. “I’m Nagisa Kaworu.”  
  
“…Rokubungi Shinji,” is the quiet, tense response, but Shinji does take his hand. The surname surprises him. Kaworu figures Gendo had some reason for assigning it. Shinji regards him wearily. “You’re not going to flip out like her, are you?”  
  
Kaworu can’t help but smile. “I’m not nearly as excitable.”  
  
He finally draws back his hand but doesn’t want to. Shinji is so familiar to him (but almost not, in different ways) that Kaworu wants to keep hold of him tightly. That is the only thing that has not changed since Shinji somehow became so special to him.  
  
Shifting from one foot to the other, Shinji seems to be trying to figure out how to politely leave. It’s cute, enough so that Kaworu suppose he’ll give him the out he so desperately wants. He can always find Shinji later, now that he knows what to look for.   
  
“I should go after Asuka,” Kaworu says quietly, giving Shinji a last smile as the boy sags with relief. “Maybe we’ll see each other again.”  
  
“Maybe...” Shinji doesn’t sound convinced but that’s all right.  
  
They say good bye and Kaworu goes after Asuka, who’s fuming a little that it took him so long. It’s easy enough to placate her.  
  
A day later, Kaworu has Shinji’s home address, histories of the older couple he lives with, and even his school records. He’s a lackluster student and the couple he lives with are noted as an aunt and uncle, removed a few places. They’re from Gendo’s side or some kind of plant. Kaworu isn’t able to connect them familially with Shinji.  
  
Sneaking out of his NERV sanctioned apartment is easy. Kaworu makes it through town quickly enough. Shinji lives in another district and has for several years. As he moves through the night, Kaworu wonders if he knows how close to his father he is.   
  
There is a tall, sturdy tree outside the house. Kaworu climbs it and spies into one window. The older couple sleep quietly and neither looks at all like Shinji or even Gendo. The next window over is Shinji’s. He’s splayed over his bed as if trying to take up as much space with his body as he can. Firmly wedged into his ears are headphones and a music player sits precariously on the pillow next to his head. He’s not really relaxed, fingers twitching here and there as his brows furrow. Kaworu wishes there was a way to soothe him.  
  
He stays there all night, just watching Shinji sleep. Kaworu knows this isn’t something that will endear himself to the boy but now that he knows where Shinji was... He just can’t help himself. It had been fourteen years since he’d seen Shinji. And before now, he’d been able to handle that. But Shinji is so close. _So close._ Kaworu can’t let him go.  
  
Most every night, Kaworu sneaks out of his apartment and goes to watch Shinji sleep. He doubts he’d be welcome to watch over him in the day. Instead, Kaworu sleeps through class and annoys the class rep, which then annoys that loud kid in the jumpsuit... Kaworu never remembers his name.   
  
“You should stop sneaking out. It’s affecting your body,” Rei says as they leave school after a day. Kaworu blinks at her. He hadn’t thought anyone knew. But Rei doesn’t explain herself, nor does she even wait for him. Kaworu watches her go, then scratches through his hair.  
  
Maybe she’s right. It does seem silly, watching one boy sleep. But... He can’t let Shinji go.   
  
The angel attack is swift and sudden. There’s barely enough time to get in the Evas before its on them. Kaworu thinks he hears Yui grumble but she doesn’t fight him and Unit 01 lifts away at his command.  
  
It’s disconcerting to fight against his own kind. Kaworu had forgotten that, forgotten the feeling of wrongness that permeates his heart and what of a soul he has. He can hear the soul wrenching screams of pain and fury as each blow lands, feel the pain as if it were his own. His anguish is strong and terrifying.  
  
His resolve is stronger.  
  
Kaworu has kept tabs over what part of the city they’re destroying. He’s close to Shinji, closer than he wants to be, but every attempt he’s made to turn the fight elsewhere has failed. All he can do is hope Shinji has gone to a shelter and that the shelter is strong.  
  
Ahead of him, Asuka gives out a shriek as she comes down on the Angel’s back ( “Shamshel” supplies Kaworu’s memory and he hurts for knowing his brother). There’s a moment of blinding pain and then Kaworu barely manages to shut off his connection to like kind before he attacks. He and Asuka are well suited to combat, well suited to fighting together. He finds it easy to fill in the holes of her defensive guard, though less easy to watch himself. That doesn’t matter. Asuka matters.  
  
“Pick up the pace, Blondie!” she yells over the comm. and Kaworu can’t help smiling at the tease. He responds quickly, driving Shamshel back a pace so she has a better shot for disabling him.  
  
And then Shamshel looks at him and Kaworu feels his heart go cold. Shamshel can feel him. _Recognizes_ him. In that moment, Kaworu feels a wave of revulsion for everything he is and all he has ever done.  
  
It’s all the time Shamshel needs. Kaworu barely hears Asuka’s scream before the impact knocks him out. He jolts awake after what seems like a second, but now he’s on the ground and 01 is screaming around him ( _Yui is screaming around him_ ) and Asuka’s voice is so loud over the comm. and yet breaking off in spurts and sputters and he can barely hear it anyway because there is _pain_ , so much pain-  
  
He hardly registers what’s going on, what’s making 01 rock and jerk the way it is because his eyes are being ripped out, his arms are broken, his insides are torn and he can’t shut down the connection, _Yui will not let him abandon her to this agony_ -  
  
Something ruptures and the pain stops. Kaworu hears nothing. He stares out for a moment of strong, brilliant clarity, free of pain and anguish and guilt. He sees Shamshel over him, sees Asuka’s white face, sees the rubble of the city around them. And for that one single second, he knows he’s going to die but it’s all right. He can sense this timeline folding in on itself. It had failed before he was born, doomed, and it would start with his death. With Shamshel’s victory.  
  
Shinji, too, would die as Shamshel raged rampant in his district.  
  
 _No!_  
  
A strength Kaworu doesn’t know he has floods his mangled body – _their_ body. He feels Yui rising around him, giving him what dredges of power she can muster because she knows what’s at stake. She knows what he knows as their minds and intentions blur into one.  
  
His arm cracks as it repairs itself, setting broken bone and mangled muscle. His knife comes easily to his hand and he feels no shame as he sinks the blade deep within Shamshel’s skull. And then his strength fails as Shamshel’s lifeless form falls upon him.  
  
Kaworu feels the armor crack and the sudden compressive smash as the entry plug ruptures. He closes his eyes, feels the faint caress of Yui’s hand against his cheek, and then it’s over.


	5. Life Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last life we'll go in depth into before getting to the meat of things.

Kaworu wakes. He stares at his ceiling, noting the planes and space craft he’d lovingly put together with his father. He can remember how long it always takes because his hands aren’t very steady but his father is patient and kind.  
  
His father is Ikari Gendo.  
  
Jerking up, Kaworu scrambles out of bed and stares around the room. There is a second bed above his own but it’s empty. A few forgotten toys lay on the floor on the cheerful rug. Kaworu feels a sudden panic grip him. He fumbles his way out of the dark room and into the hall. He knows where to go, which door to ignore and which he’s allowed to go through.  
  
His parent’s room isn’t quiet; Gendo snores. Kaworu stares at the bed from the doorway and notes the slender shape of Yui curled against the edge of the bed, quiet and still. Between them, Shinji is sprawled out over the covers with his teddy bear held tight in one arm.  
  
Kaworu knows this is normal, has seen this very thing time and again. Many times, he’s the one slipping between his parents after a bad dream and sometimes it’s both of them. The memories are real, immediate, and visceral. And yet, Kaworu stares into that room as if he’s never seen it before.  
  
He didn’t remember before. As always, it comes as a jolt as his body reaches the point when it’s able to handle the knowledge. Kaworu covers his eyes to hide the moisture welling up in them.  
  
This is getting to be too much to handle. He doesn’t know what’s going on. How many times is he going to feel this way? How many times will he wake up for a new, confusing life? He didn’t want this. He just wanted to be with Shinji one more time.  
  
“Kaworu?”  
  
Her voice startles him with the gentle tones. Kaworu drops his hand and stares as Yui sits up in bed. She smiles gently and lifts the sheet, a wordless invitation. Kaworu takes her up on it without a thought. He stumbles as he runs up to the bed but she only smiles more softly and lets him curl up against the warmth of her body. Her arms are strong and she smells faintly of flowers and for just that, Kaworu loves her.  
  
It’s easier in the morning, when he’s rested and adjusted. He spends breakfast listening to Shinji babble excitedly about a television show as Yui serves out the food and Gendo reads the paper. He’s had so many of these mornings since the Ikaris welcomed him to their family. The guardian from child services is harder to remember but Kaworu doesn’t mind. This is his home now. His home with Shinji.  
  
So, for a little while, he lets his memories fade and lives in the moment.  
  
Family is a wonderful thing, Kaworu finds. He likes the weekends when the family spends time together best. Running around with Shinji and Gendo or star gazing with Yui, playing nonsense games in the parlor… It’s a kindness he doesn’t know if he deserves but he takes it all. It’s his now.  
  
The years pass like a lazy dream. Kaworu grows and matures. He starts wondering if this will be a happy life. A content one. Something to balm the ones he tries not to think about. He tries not to worry.  
  
Choosing a college seems silly but both Gendo and Yui are very insistent that he go. He’d planned on just finishing high school and getting a job since college was expensive and they were already having to send their own son to school, but when he said that Yui gave him the most wounded look on her face.  
  
“You’re my own son, too,” she said quietly and Kaworu had hated himself for making her sad.  
  
That night, Gendo came to have a heart to heart with him. Embarrassing did not begin to explain that conversation, especially when they heard Shinji questioning his mother on what was going on, but Kaworu felt better after.  
  
So, now, he is looking at colleges. Kaworu knows where Shinji is going but he isn’t about to make his parents pay for two premium tuitions. He looks at the smaller schools in the area, finds one that has an astronomy program. The stars are the only things Kaworu has eyes for, other than Shinji. If he’s going to study something, it might as well be them.  
  
He shows Yui his choices and while she may not understand it, she supports him anyway. Gendo makes him consider taking a few business classes just in case. Kaworu spends the next months applying for scholarships until the acceptance letter arrives.  
  
The college years go quickly. Kaworu makes sure to head home often to see his parents and catches lunch with Shinji on a near daily basis. His brother is healthy and happy and a year in, ends up dating Asuka Langley Shoryu. She’s different than Kaworu’s Asuka, free of the brokenness he had not been able to mend, but at the same time still the girl he’d been so close to. She’s loud and bordering on abusive, but it’s easy to see that she really does like Shinji and he is both overwhelmed and adoring of her.  
  
The relationship causes him conflict. He loves Shinji with all of his being. He wants to be with him, always at his side. But this life gives Shinji joy and so does Asuka. In the end, Kaworu just wants Shinji to be happy. And, maybe, he wants Asuka to be happy too.  
  
It takes two years for Shinji to propose. Asuka turns him down on principal but accepts the ring the second time. They’re married later that year. Kaworu sits with his parents and watches his two most important people join their lives. He is both happy for them and depressingly pained by the union. For a while after, he spends his free time wondering why.  
  
Kaworu gets a job with an observatory a while later. There he meets Akagi Ritsuko and finds her worthy enough company for a little while.  
  
Shinji’s first child is this world’s Rei Ayanami and Kaworu loves her on the spot even though she isn’t like any Rei he’s met yet. He dotes on her even after a boy is born later, though Kaworu loves him as well. They’re of Shinji but Kaworu finds himself caring about the points where they aren’t like him at all. He doesn’t know why.  
  
Kaworu lets himself live for his niece and nephew. He takes them out often and keeps up with their schooling. He becomes the confidant, the advisor, and one they go to when they just don’t feel comfortable asking their parents because they know he will let them fix things on their own. In a way, he supposes they are his kids as much as Shinji’s and he doesn’t feel guilty about claiming a part of Shinji through them for his own.  
  
When Gendo dies, Kaworu feels like he’d been shot. He goes through the service in silence, standing next to his mother and Shinji. He remembers building planes and spacecraft in the den. He remembers his father’s steady, sure hands. Kaworu does not weep only because Rei holds his hand along with Shinji’s.  
  
Yui leaves them soon after, like the second half of a pair of love birds. Kaworu isn’t surprised but he grieves all the same. He does his best to manage their estate because Shinji simply can’t. It’s too painful. Kaworu wonders if it is because he was their adopted son that he can still function as their agent. If his love is less real than Shinji’s. Perhaps it is.  
  
In the wake of losing his parents, Kaworu turns his attention more fully onto his remaining family. He knows he’s spoiling them, but he can’t help it. There is little else for him. His job is nice enough but even the stars can’t draw him away from their smiles for long. He finds himself hurting less for the loss of his parents and less for the loss of Shinji. His brother is happy. That is good enough.  
  
It remains good enough for a very long time.  
  
The spell breaks when Shinji dies. It is a quiet thing, gone in his sleep just like his father. The children are grown and living their own lives. Asuka and Kaworu handle the funeral together, leaning on one another to get through it. It’s the first time Kaworu has lived longer than Shinji. He feels as if something is missing within him, as if Shinji took a huge chunk of Kaworu with him. He doesn’t know how to go on. He doesn’t know how to _function_.  
  
Kaworu never wanted to live in a world where Shinji wasn’t.  
  
He wonders what the point was if he was just going to be alone.  
  
Five days after the funeral, Rei breaks into his apartment. She makes him clean up and follow her outside into the light he’d been ignoring. Rei says nothing to him as she leads him with her hand snugly in his own. They end up in the park and sit down on a bench.  
  
“I will hate you forever if you leave me, too,” Rei says without preamble. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying but hardened with resolve. “You are not allowed to follow him.”  
  
Kaworu doesn’t know how to respond to that. He wonders how she knew. “Rei-”  
  
“I can handle a lot of things, but I refuse to bear that,” she added more softly. Rei glances out over the park. They look alike, he and she, despite having no familial ties. She looks like the Reis he knew. But she isn’t a Rei he knew before. She is the Rei he knows now, the one he would have done anything for.  
  
Kaworu looks out as well. He wishes he were better at this. That he knew what to say to comfort her because he desperately wants to. “I wasn’t expecting this.”  
  
“No one does,” she says and smiles bitterly. “Dad will be angry if you follow him too quickly.”  
  
He looks at his hands in his lap and wonders, distantly, when his niece learned to read him so well. Quietly, he asks her, “How long have you known?”  
  
“Since I was little,” she responds and then reaches over to take his hand back in hers. “It always made me a little sad to see how you looked at him.”  
  
And what a strange thing that must have been to realize. Rei knew from the beginning that Kaworu had been adopted into the family. Kaworu had made sure of that because to be honest, he didn’t care for lying. But she still regarded him as her beloved uncle. To see his pain… He wishes she never had.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he tells her but she shakes her head.  
  
“It’s all right. I don’t know why. Dad’s so…” She catches herself, smiles painfully, and continues, “Dad was hopeless.”  
  
“Maybe that’s why.” It’s as good a reason as any why he’s attached himself to that single soul.  
  
Kaworu squeezes her hand. They sit together for a long time, just listening to the sounds of life. Then she lets him return to his apartment but he goes to work the next day.  
  
He goes on until his life’s natural end and by then, it doesn’t hurt quite as much.


	6. It Goes On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now the rest of the story.

The lives start blurring together. Sometimes Kaworu is happy and sometimes he’s alone. Sometimes he’s human and others not. He stops wondering why anymore and starts wondering what the point of this is.  
  
Kaworu can barely remember what it means to be a proper angel anymore. He knows he does this to be with Shinji, but the reasoning behind his decision grows dim and confusing. So many years roll through his mind. So many lives and chances and losses. He has been so many hims that he doesn’t know which one is real anymore.  
  
It is becoming increasingly clear to him that he is an extra in Shinji’s life. He never should have been there in the first place. He is unnecessary. He is unneeded.  
  
He doesn’t know why he’s still trying.  
  
“Get your ass out of bed!”  
  
Kaworu rouses easily from deep sleep and stands at attention by his bunk as the rest of the unit rises more or less the same. The sergeant grills them for laziness, chapping the hides of a few cadets too stupid to do as they were told. Kaworu is good at it. Hadn’t he always played his role?  
  
“Nagisa,” the sergeant snarls, turning on him. “Major’s office. On the double.”  
  
Kaworu nods swiftly and leaves the barrack. All around him are soldiers drilling and preparing for the next battle. It’s odd to be part of a group military this time in. It’s new. Unique. Kaworu values unique nowadays.  
  
He makes it to the major’s office door before the complex explodes and he’s gone into the black, falling, falling, falling-  
  
Born again.  
  
When his memories awaken this time, it’s late. He’s twelve years old and he lives in an orphanage. Rei Ayanami keeps sneaking into his room to sleep because the other girls make fun of her coloring and he’s the only one that just doesn’t care. She’s shy and he does his best to keep her from getting pushed around. She reminds him of Shinji and if Shinji isn’t here, at least he has someone he can be close to.  
  
He falls in a ditch at seventeen and breaks his neck.  
  
Born again.  
  
This time he’s surrounded by his brothers and crashing down upon the unsuspecting world below him. He happily rends and rips, tearing cities and people to pieces. He doesn’t care about them. He doesn’t care about anything but finding _him_. Finding Adam. So close he could almost _taste_ him-  
  
Awake. Aware. Disgusted. Blown away.  
  
Born again.  
  
The cycle goes onward and onward. He doesn’t know what it’s working towards anymore or why and he really doesn’t care. Instead, he starts hoping that next time his soul is ripped apart instead of his body. He just wants it to stop.  
  
He is so tired.  
  
He’s tired of being Kaworu and Tabris over and over again.  
  
Tabris is the angel of free will. He wishes he wasn’t.  
  
Kaworu doesn’t know how many times it’s been now. He sits at a cliff overlooking a sea of pinkish red, feeling wind so strong that he wonders if it will throw him off the edge. He wouldn’t care if it did. The world around him is in ruins. It looks like how he feels. He woke up hours ago in the middle of a ruined city scrounging for food. And then he realized that was pointless. Why bother trying to live if he’d just have to do it again?  
  
He wonders what might happen if he kills himself. That’s the only way he hasn’t gone yet. And isn’t suicide the ultimate form of free will at its finest?  
  
If he commits the ultimate sin, will this _end?_  
  
He doesn’t have Rei to keep him grounded this time. He doesn’t have anyone. He’s not even sure there are any other people here anymore. The world is dead. Even most of the vegetation is gone. His memory is fractured and confusing. His memories of the first life are more vivid than they’ve ever been but there isn’t anything more. There isn’t a past. He doesn’t know what happened to this world or why he’s human.  
  
It is the long, long remembered words of Rei that finally spurn Kaworu into movement. He goes back to the city and scrounges around for hours before he finds something he can eat. Even then, it’s not enough and hunger continues to claw into him. He manages to find somewhere to hide and rests.  
  
This is the oldest he’s been before his memories reset themselves. He isn’t sure how old he is but it’s somewhere in his late teens. His body is strong and lean and he knows if he doesn’t find a better food source, he’s going to wither away. He has to leave and find something sustainable. Maybe a farm. Surely, if food was growing once, it might be again? Kaworu has nothing better to do than search out something like that.  
  
In the morning, Kaworu packs together his meager supplies and what little he thinks will be useful in an old backpack he’d found a while back. He doesn’t know what direction to go so he simply chooses a road and starts along it. With how quiet the world is, there doesn’t seem a point to being cautious, and if he dies, he’ll just wake up, right? Besides, if something eats him, maybe he’ll wake up somewhere a little more lively.  
  
The sun bears down on him as he walks along the old, broken highway. He’s seen a few struggling bushes, a little grass here and there, but little else. Nothing edible. The world looks scorched around him. Dried and broken. It looks like he feels. That doesn’t make him feel any better.  
  
When the day ends, Kaworu just lays down on the side of the road and sleeps. The sun wakes him at dawn and he gets up to walk again. There’s nothing in the distance, nothing to look forward to. Heat makes him dizzy, makes the road ahead of him wave like a dancer. Kaworu doesn’t care. He keeps going.  
  
He will always keep going even if he will always be alone.  
  
On the third day, his lips are chapped with thirst and he knows he’s near the end. He’s died this way before, starved in a camp of throwaways while war waged around them. He knows what’s happening, but he keeps going. Maybe if he gets one more step, he’ll find water or food or a person. One more step.  
  
His feet betray him and he can’t get up from where he’s fallen. The world is a haze of indistinct images and colors, all blending and blurring into one another. He keeps his eyes open as long as he can, even if he doesn’t quite know why. But darkness overtakes him regardless.  
  
When he wakes, he’s surprised not to be in a new body. The one he has is aching and tired, so very tired. For a moment, he wonders if maybe this time he lived out a long life, but he doesn’t remember anything. He only remembers the desert.  
  
It takes a long while before he is able to open his eyes long enough to look around. He’s surrounded by things he doesn’t understand, great barrels and hanging plants and cloth waving in the wind. After a moment he realizes he’s in a makeshift tent and the wind is slithering its way through any opening, disturbing the items within. It’s a strange assortment, nothing matching. The cot under him is lumpy and old but at least he isn’t on the ground. Not that he isn’t already used to that.  
  
He hears voices outside and his heart leaps. People, _real people!_ The voices are a balm to his weakened mind. Kaworu tries to get up, but his body simply refuses to listen to him. He half falls off the cot, tangled in the old blanket thrown over him. His elbow knocks into a dented metal bowl that lets out a grumbling bang. The voices outside cease. Kaworu tries to get up with his clumsy limbs but before he can manage, hands seize him and drag him back up onto the cot.  
  
He finds himself face to face with Asuka. She hardly looks herself, more dull and grungy. Her hair is pulled messily from her face, knots all. She’s clothed in what looks like half a plug suit and some old t-shirt faded of color.  
  
“Finally awake,” she says as she sits at the edge of his cot. She gives him a glance down her nose, searching over his face. “How do you feel?”  
  
Something about her voice, about her gestures, sets him on edge. It’s too… muted. Quiet. Asuka was meant to be the center of attention. And the way she looks at him with barely veiled disgust in her eyes…  
  
“Tired,” he manages, but it’s hoarse and too quiet and he doesn’t know how she could understand it. But that doesn’t matter.  
  
“I’d bet,” she says and her lips quirk into something that isn’t a smile and isn’t pleasant. “With everything you did, how couldn’t you be?”  
  
He doesn’t understand and he tries to tell her that, but he’s already lost her attention. Her eyes move back towards the entry flap of the tent and there stands Shinji. He’s just as worn as Asuka is. Just as tired. His button up is stained and torn. When Shinji looks at him, there is something pained and guarded in his gaze.  
  
They know him. It hits Kaworu like a shot. They know his face, even though he has no memory of this world. They know enough to hate him. He wonders why they saved him at all. Maybe he had been injured and this body simply didn’t retain what it once remembered. Something…  
  
Asuka gets up, stretching a bit and then leaves without a word, but she’s careful not to touch Shinji on the way out. Then they’re alone. Shinji stares at him as if he’s trying to figure out some kind of puzzle, a mystery he really doesn’t want to know the answer of. Kaworu wishes he knew why.  
  
“You died,” Shinji says at last and it’s more of a snarl than anything else. “You _died_. What are you doing here? _Why did you come back?!_ ”  
  
Died? But he… The injury, the reason he can’t remember this life, had there been an accident? Something to make Shinji think he was gone. He’d known Shinji? This Shinji, broken and lonely and strangely stronger than ever.  
  
“Shinji,” he finds himself whispering and then Shinji is at his side, hands curling around his neck. His fingers are tight and Kaworu finds himself reflexively grabbing at them to get air. A flash of fear rolls through him as he stares up at Shinji. He watches as the confused anger bleeds away to something far more devastating. Shinji’s hands relax and he drops his head to rest on Kaworu’s chest. His breathing is fast and rasped, even more so than Kaworu’s.  
  
“I didn’t want to see you,” Shinji bites out with pain riddling his voice. “I didn’t want you to come back, ever. I didn’t wish for you.”  
  
Kaworu swallows thickly. He’s never been rejected by Shinji before. It hurts, deep in his chest, burning like something alive. He doesn’t know how to feel. But he can’t care about that. He can’t. Not when Shinji is in so much pain. Kaworu struggles to get his hand up and then pets through Shinji’s shaggy hair.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says because he doesn’t know what else he can do. Shinji makes a soft, pained noise against his shirt. “I’m sorry, Shinji.”  
  
“Why would you come back?”  
  
Kaworu closed his eyes tight. He wonders if his heart is supposed to beat this swiftly. “Because I like you.”  
  
There is a quiet sound, something between a laugh and a sob. Shinji lifts himself off Kaworu and stands by the cot, looking towards the tent flap. His eyes are wet but his face dry.  
  
“You like me and you- you made me…” Shinji grits his teeth, hands fisted at his sides. When he looks back at Kaworu, his eyes are blazing. “You made me kill you! I killed you with _my_ hands and you just come back and tell me you _like_ me-”  
  
Kaworu doesn’t know where he finds the strength but he manages to get to his feet and his hands grab Shinji’s face, drawing him in until their foreheads meet.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says as he stares into those wounded eyes because it’s true. He wishes he’d never hurt Shinji. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, what’s happened, but if he hurt Shinji, he is so very sorry for it. “I’m so sorry, Shinji.”  
  
“You’re horrible.” Shinji sags against him and they go tumbling back onto the cot as Kaworu’s strength fails him. He’s on his back, crushed between hard lumps and Shinji’s body, but he doesn’t care. He winds his arms tight around Shinji, keeping him there as he buries his face against his throat. Shinji draws in a shuddering breath and then he’s holding on just as tightly.  
  
Kaworu falls asleep listening to the sound of Shinji breathe.


	7. And On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. Mostly, I wanna thank my commentors. You're keeping me motivated XDXDXD

This world isn’t as dead as Kaworu thought it was. He wakes to the sound of rain. Shinji and Asuka sit near by, playing a card game with what looks like four different decks mixed together. He watches them for a while, studying. Asuka is still muted, dim like a dying candle. Her hair is drawn back in a messy tail that hangs over one slim shoulder.  
  
Kaworu wishes he remembered what broke them. He wishes he could fix it. Once again, he finds himself on the outside of what Shinji needs, separated from the person that will heal him. Once again he is extra, unneeded. A bother. He closes his eyes and turns away from them.  
  
The faint, stilted words between them pause at Kaworu’s movement. Asuka mumbles something and Shinji gets up to stand by the cot.  
  
“Awake? You should eat something,” Shinji says and his voice still has the faint rawness to it from before, but he, like Asuka, is dim. Tired. “Even Angels have to eat, right?”  
  
Kaworu doesn’t know why the word hurts him, but it does. He’s filled with wrongness that bites and claws at him. Shinji knew him as an Angel. Does that mean- but he can feel it. He can feel the human heart beating in his chest. He isn’t an angel anymore, incomplete and searching for the last piece of his being. _What’s going on here?_  
  
“Right,” he murmurs as he forces himself to sit up. Shinji fetches a bowl filled with… Kaworu thinks it’s some kind of porridge. Frankly, he doesn’t really care. As soon as the first swallow hits his belly, he’s ravenous. It’s all he can do not to suck it all down at once. His stomach isn’t able to handle more than a few mouthfuls at a time. As he eats, Shinji goes to the card game again. He and Asuka are silent, focused, and Kaworu knows they’re waiting for him to do… something. What, he has no idea, but something. Maybe they’re waiting for him to show some kind of angelic behavior. Maybe they’re waiting for him to kill them.  
  
The bowl is still half full when he sets it down in his lap. He feels sick, disgusted with himself, and he isn’t even sure why. Every time he finds himself in his angel body again, he isn’t surprised that no one can tell the difference between him and a human if they don’t already know, but it feels strange now not to be recognized as human. He wants to be. It burns hotly inside him. He wants to be known, recognized, acknowledged. He wants Shinji to look at him and not see a monster.  
  
When the rain stops, Shinji goes out to see if there’s anyone else around. He pauses at the flap, glancing between Asuka and Kaworu as if he can’t trust them alone. Whether he’s more worried about Asuka or afraid of Kaworu isn’t clear. But he goes anyway.  
  
That is how days pass as Kaworu gets his strength back. He is never left alone and most often, Asuka is his keeper. Shinji barely trusts her not to run off and though it’s obvious, Asuka doesn’t rail against him. Not yet, anyway. But as Kaworu watches them, he knows she only needs time. She’s already a little more lively than she was the first day. He wonders what happened to her, but in a way already knows. This… He doesn’t know what is going on in this world, but there are enough parallels to others – to the first – that he can guess.  
  
One day, after Shinji has gone, her eyes focus on Kaworu.  
  
“You’re different,” she says.  
  
“Am I?” Kaworu doesn’t know what she means.  
  
Asuka gets up and stretches her arms, crossing them behind her head. She gives him a sideways glance that reminds him of one of his Asukas, all holier than thou purpose and bigger than life personality. It comforts him in a strange way.  
  
“You feel different,” Asuka continues with a little shrug as she glances out the tent flap. “From them.”  
  
For a long few moments, Kaworu is terribly confused. “Them?”  
  
“The angels.” She says it as if he’s an idiot. As if he should have been able to guess. But instead of being angry, his chest clenches with something disturbingly like hope.  
  
“I’m-”  
  
Asuka looks at him and he realizes she knows. She knows he’s human. His heart quickens.  
  
“Shinji’s an idiot,” she mutters, dropping her arms again. “He’s never been as good as me. I can feel you guys. I know what you smell like. I could track you, if I wanted.”  
  
Kaworu stares at her with a mild horror. Even he, as once an angel, wouldn’t wish upon any human to catch even a glimpse of what they were. He doesn’t know what to say. Asuka steps over to his cot and leans over him, resting her arms on either side of him.  
  
“But you don’t feel like them,” she says more softly. “You’re not like them.”  
  
“I’m not,” he admits, even if he doesn’t need to. “Not this time.”  
  
Abruptly, Asuka grabs his face, her fingers tight and cruel along his jaw. She glares at him with eyes blazing almost like they should. Almost the way he remembers.  
  
“I could kill you,” she whispers and he can see how much she wants to. She wants to do _something_. Something to prove herself, to prove _to_ herself… Something to make her feel alive. “You’re so weak. I could kill you right now and tell Shinji it was an accident. He’d believe me. That idiot thinks I’m crazy.”  
  
She probably is. But Kaworu just stares back at her. He lifts his hand and pets through her messy hair. The sudden mania drains from her face as she keeps his gaze. And then there’s hurt and need and a self-hatred he recognizes and wishes he could heal, but he can’t. No one can.  
  
Asuka draws away quickly, uncomfortable with his affection. He isn’t someone she trusts, someone she can let in. Really, the only person she’s allowed to see her true self is Shinji. And even then, it’s mostly bluster.  
  
“Don’t die before I decide whether you should or not,” she mutters as she starts fiddling with one of the card decks.  
  
By the time Kaworu is strong enough to leave the tent, he’s so consumed with cabin fever that he almost bursts out into the sun. He doesn’t even mind the rocky cliffs surrounding them or the red sea near by. Kaworu closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath as the light warms his skin. When he opens them again, he finds Shinji staring at him with a particular look. He turns away soon enough.  
  
“Come on. I found some wood we can salvage to make another bed,” he says instead and Kaworu lets it lie.  
  
They spend the day hauling dead wood back to the camp. Most of it is in pieces big enough that it takes the both of them to move it. The sun is low on the horizon when they finally call it quits. Kaworu’s body aches and he’s scraped up all over. He doesn’t complain about it, not when Shinji is so quiet and watchful.  
  
Kaworu takes over managing some kind of edible food out of what they’ve salvaged. Asuka had already proven herself hopeless and it seemed to make her happy to prepare the wood anyway. She seemed more alive hacking it into manageable pieces and stripping the bark and branches. Shinji did his own work in front of the tent flap so he could keep an eye on Kaworu.  
  
The wood ends up enough to provide two cots and then some. It takes a while to make them between runs out to find food. Kaworu isn’t allowed to leave the camp nor is he allowed alone. It’s an unspoken agreement. He knows it’s because they fear him, even if Asuka knows what he is.  
  
He doesn’t even know why that’s so important but it is, somehow. It’s important deep within him that he’s human. That they know him. He wants to scream it at them, but he can’t. He tries to smile for them as much as possible because even if they don’t trust him, smiling seems to soothe him. It must have been what he did before. It’s been a long time since he smiled so much. Many, many lives ago.  
  
When the others sleep, Kaworu ducks out of the tent and stands under the stars. He looks from one to another, letting his gaze slide easily between. The stars used to soothe him. Now he only feels mocked. He searches the ground for something to throw, finally catching a small rock. With every ounce of strength behind it, Kaworu throws the rock to the stars and imagines he’s able to knock at least one of them out. Distantly, he hears a plop in the red sea from descent but his eyes stay tracked on his targets.  
  
He wishes he could still fly. Anything but being grounded here with feelings he wishes he’d never discovered. He hadn’t asked to be changed. All he’d asked for was Shinji. Just to stay at his side. And had he ever stayed with Shinji! Life after life after endless, pathetic life!  
  
Enough of them that Kaworu understands it isn’t just being at Shinji’s side that he wants. He wants Shinji, all to his own. He wants Shinji to acknowledge him. He wants to be the most important. The most loved.  
  
Kaworu wants Shinji to love him as he loves Shinji.  
  
“Not likely,” he mutters to himself, frustrated.  
  
“Not likely what?”  
  
Kaworu jolts just a bit as he turns but he already knows who it is. Shinji stands at the tent, holding the flap open. He glances over Kaworu, frowning with the same confused look he’s given many times of the last weeks.  
  
“Nothing,” Kaworu murmurs, forcing a smile. “I’m sorry I woke you.”  
  
“You didn’t.” Shinji lets the flap fall closed as he steps out. He stuffs his hands into his pockets, still frowning. “You weren’t like this before.”  
  
Kaworu blinks. He’d thought he’d been doing well, trying to emulate the one he couldn’t remember. Surely, he wasn’t that different. A little more emotional, maybe, but… “I’m sorry?”  
  
“No, it’s fine.” Shinji steps closer but he’s watchful. Confused. “I saw you before. At the end. You talked to me. Help me decide.”  
  
Kaworu doesn’t answer because he simply doesn’t know how. But that seems enough for a piece to click into place for Shinji.  
  
“You don’t remember,” he says, eyes widening. “You don’t know what I’m talking about.”  
  
“No,” Kaworu murmurs, smiling even though he wants to do nothing less than that. “I must have been knocked in the head when you thought you killed me.”  
  
Shinji’s face grows strange at that. He’s quiet for a long time but Kaworu watches the different emotions run through his eyes. Shinji had always been so easy for him to read. Even if he didn’t realize it, if most didn’t, Shinji wore his emotions out for the world to see.  
  
“You weren’t knocked in the head,” Shinji says and his voice is choked. His face has gone white. Kaworu watches him gather courage even as self-hatred rears up strong and deadly. “You- you were crushed. Crushed to nothing. I saw your-”  
  
Shinji chokes on the words, blinking rapidly through wettening eyes.  
  
“It’s all right,” Kaworu tries, moving towards him. “It’s all right, you don’t have to explain-”  
  
“ _No, you do!_ ”  
  
Kaworu flinches back despite himself. He stares at Shinji’s angry, confused eyes and wishes he could explain. Wishes he _knew_. But he doesn’t know this life – except that he does, but it isn’t _this_ life. It’s one from before that he knows. It’s the oldest one he’s lived, back before he realized what he could be and what Shinji was. Before he realized just what he wanted.  
  
“I don’t know the answer,” Kaworu says softly and Shinji turns from him, raking a hand back through his hair. “Shinji, I don’t remember anything.”  
  
“You remember _me_.” Shinji’s voice is an accusation.  
  
For the first time since all this started, Kaworu wants to tell him just what he has done. About all the lives, all the chances. About how he truly feels. About what he wants. Kaworu opens his mouth to tell him, but the words are caught. The explanation feels unwieldy and stupid in his mind, too abstract.  
  
“Who wouldn’t remember you?” he says finally, with every grain of sincerity he has.  
  
Shinji looks at him like a wounded thing.  
  
“Why is Asuka here, Shinji?” Kaworu murmurs as he steps closer to the other boy.  
  
“I wanted her here.” Shinji sounds weak and young. Vulnerable.  
  
“You wished for her,” Kaworu prompts and Shinji nods. It hurts that Shinji wanted Asuka first. Needed her enough for her to appear. Kaworu doesn’t know the rules of this world, but he’s starting to understand. “You made her real.”  
  
“She wanted to be. I just… I helped her.” Shinji drops his head, looking at his hands. “She was too strong to stay like the others.”  
  
Kaworu takes another step and then another. He reaches out. “And me? Did you not wish for me to appear before you?”  
  
Shinji says nothing. As Kaworu’s fingers reach his cheek, Shinji leans into the touch. His body is trembling. One darker hand reaches up to trap Kaworu’s there.  
  
“I wished for you,” Shinji whispered.  
  
For the first time in a very long while, Kaworu smiles and means it.


	8. Truth Seeking

NERV has a stillness to it that is otherworldly. Kaworu moves slowly because even though he hasn’t found resistance yet, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any. The halls are still and quiet. Somehow, the backup generator is still going, but NERV had been built to withstand great adversity and survive months on its own. The less important rooms are unlit but when Kaworu steps into the command center, everything lights up ready and waiting for him.  
  
He feels like an intruder even though there is no one left. He glances here and there, studying the dried up pink residue on most of the surfaces. He reaches to touch some of it but his hand goes still when he realizes what it is. LCL looks so very disgusting through human eyes when they know what it used to be. Kaworu leaves the command center quickly and heads on to find one of the supply rooms.  
  
Neither Shinji nor Asuka had even suggested raiding NERV for food. Kaworu can understand why, but if they don’t, they’ll starve. They’re already starving. The one thing he hates about this human body is the gnawing feeling of hunger day after day.  
  
Kaworu pauses part way through the complex and redirects to a different storage room. There he finds still new uniforms, equipment, and most useful of all, backpacks and larger bags. He picks a few of them and then continues on to stock up on what food he can find.  
  
Surprisingly, there’s a lot there. The refrigeration and freezer units are still active and the dry storage had been filled before everything went down. If it weren’t for the emotional rejection of the place, he’d suggest they move down into it. NERV is far more defensible than a weak tent. But he knows Shinji and Asuka wouldn’t dare come back and besides, there’s no one to defend against.  
  
Kaworu packs up dry goods mostly, things that won’t go bad. Rice, flour, some kind of dried fruit and meat… The rest he decides to leave for later trips, but he does take two frozen steaks and some still unrotten eggs. Might as well get something good in their bellies to make the trip worth it.  
  
Getting out of NERV is slow and time consuming. It makes him wish again that he could still fly or at least have some of his old abilities. He feels… stifled and weighed down, but he tells himself that it’s because of the bags.  
  
He doesn’t miss being an angel.  
  
The camp is quiet when Kaworu gets there. He stows the eggs to keep them from getting too warm, but leaves out the steaks in their plastic wrapping to thaw. The rest of the food is placed with their current meager stores. NERV will sustain them for months, if he’s calculated correctly. Long enough to figure out a new solution.  
  
He guesses Shinji and Asuka went out on a supply run so he busies himself doing inventory on what they have. A lot of the NERV things could be useful. He makes a mental note to go back soon and do a better look over.  
  
Later on, Kaworu hears the crunch of rock underfoot and steps out of the tent to greet the returning scavengers, only to go very still. A boy stands on the beach, looking quite confused and lost. His short hair is weighed down by still wet LCL fluid and his sweat suit gleams, hanging heavy on his body and catching oddly, as if there were something armored beneath. The boy centers on him but his expression doesn’t change much.  
  
“Who’re you?” he says, voice tainted with an accent Kaworu rarely hears. It’s drawling and as heavy as his dark eyed gaze.  
  
“Nagisa Kaworu,” he introduces, smiling to make the boy feel better. “It’s nice to meet you.”  
  
It doesn’t seem to help. The boy studies him and then looks around, his fingers twitching at his sides in and out of fists. He reaches up and unzips his jacket, shaking the fabric to get a little air, but there isn’t skin underneath. It’s a plugsuit, dark blue with details of red.  
  
“I’m Toji,” he says without looking back at Kaworu, then ducks his hands into his pockets. “Suzuhara Toji.”  
  
Kaworu knows that name. Suzuhara Toji has been a distant facet of many of Shinji’s lives. A name more than anything to him as he’s never met the boy before. He wonders why he would appear here. Had Shinji wished for him?  
  
“Kinda empty around here, ain’t it?” Toji observes before he starts forward towards Kaworu and the tent. “Anyone else around?”  
  
He hesitates because suddenly, he’s filled with the need to turn Toji away, send him off before Shinji can return. They don’t need another mouth to feed and it’s already enough for Asuka to be there but at least Kaworu likes her. He doesn’t know Toji. He doesn’t want him here. He doesn’t want Shinji to get close to him again.  
  
“No,” he says and then wonders how he can make the other boy leave.  
  
“Oh.” Toji glances at him, chewing the inside of his mouth a bit. “Well. Sucks to be you, huh?”  
  
Kaworu just smiles. Toji digs his heel into the rocky dirt.  
  
“You’re kind of an asshole,” he says flippantly. “Ain’t you gonna invite me in?”  
  
There is nothing Kaworu wants less than to invite Toji to stay any longer than he has to. The hate he has for Toji is swift and sudden and vicious. So, as always when he doesn’t know how else to proceed, Kaworu smiles.  
  
Toji narrows his eyes. He is growing more and more aware, his expression shifting from the smooth blankness to something far more individual. Curling his lip, he stomps up to Kaworu and grabs the front of his shirt, lifting him partway off the ground.  
  
“What’re you smiling at, huh?” he snarls. “Something _funny?_ ”  
  
Well. That seems enough reason to retaliate. Kaworu starts to draw back his arm for a swing but a voice pipes up from nearby that makes both of them freeze.  
  
“T- _Toji?!_ ”  
  
Toji drops him, jerking around, and then he grins. “Yo, Shinji! Man, am I glad to see you! You ain’t gonna believe what I been through.”  
  
Kaworu rights himself and suppresses the urge to wrestle Toji to the ground and beat him stupid. Or, rather, more stupid than he already is. Instead, he stays where he is and watches Toji and Shinji greet each other. Asuka’s lip curls a bit but she doesn’t bother giving their new visitor the time of day. She heads to the tent, brushing Kaworu’s arm with her shoulder on the way. After a few moments, Kaworu follows her because he almost hates the lighter, happier look on Shinji’s face when he isn’t the cause of it.  
  
Toji stays. He helps Shinji build a fourth cot. The tent is getting very crowded so Kaworu goes back to NERV to find another, or something they can use to build one. He comes back with four smaller, individual tents that they set up for each of them. The larger tent is reorganized for storage and convenience.  
  
Shinji and Toji are nearly inseparable. Kaworu hates it. He hates Toji to the very pit of his soul. The only reason he doesn’t do something about it is because Shinji seems so happy. And… Asuka seems more alive. Her old bluster starts coming back in Toji’s presence. They fight over stupid things and Kaworu likes seeing the flush to her cheeks even if he hates the cause. Toji is good for them.  
  
Kaworu wishes he wasn’t.  
  
Before he can get used to Toji, another person rises from the red sea. Misato doesn’t seem to know what to make of anything. She stays quiet and withdrawn for hours after they’ve gotten her dry and covered with a blanket. It’s late into the night before she speaks a single word and that seems to be the opening she needs to wake up.  
  
Kaworu tends to spend part of each night staring up at the sky. He sleeps less than the others, some byproduct of being once an angel he supposes, so instead of laying down in the dark, he sits under the stars trying not to feel mocked and alone. It’s a loneliness he’s familiar with but it doesn’t soothe him.  
  
He hears Misato before she speaks, her steps unsure on the rocky shore. Kaworu glances over his shoulder and then smiles to put her at ease, but she isn’t eased at all. She stares at him, her body tense and expression troubled.  
  
“What are you doing here?” she asks. “I understand the others, even me, but _you?_ ”  
  
Kaworu tries to forgive her for the stab of accusation. He gets up, dusting dirt off his pants. “Shinji wanted me here.”  
  
Misato blinks with surprise. She frowns, a strange kind of hurt going through her eyes, but he can tell he’s not really involved. “Why would he want you? After what you did-”  
  
“ _Why is it that no one can think past that?!_ ”  
  
Misato stiffens and Kaworu is surprised at himself when he realizes the words are his own. He swallows thickly, blinking fast as his eyes burn. He didn’t realize how upset he was until it starts bubbling up in him and then he can’t stop.  
  
“I don’t-” He cuts himself off, raking a hand back through his hair. “I don’t know what it is you’re holding against me. _I don’t remember anything_. It’s all confused and mixed up- Shinji won’t talk to me, not really, and now there’s you and _that guy_ and… and…”  
  
He doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore but now that he’s started, now that it’s coming out, there’s no end.  
  
“What did I do this time?” he throws out, staring at her. “It’s always different, the reasoning, the situation, always different. Always _new_. Even when it isn’t! I’m not even the same as I was before, this time, and I don’t know why. Something with the method of reincarnation, something about Shinji maybe, I- …why are you looking at me like that?”  
  
Misato’s eyes are wide, lips parted as if she wants to speak but isn’t sure how. Slowly, she steps closer to him and reaches out, touching his cheek. He flinches from her and then looks at the wetness on her fingers.  
  
“You’re crying,” she says softly and then turns her gaze to his face again.  
  
Kaworu begins wiping away the tears, annoyed on top of the hollow feeling inside him. “It happens-”  
  
“Angels don’t cry.” He looks back at her, unsure what to say, but Misato doesn’t need him to. “Why are you crying? It’s not possible. Angel’s don’t-”  
  
He doesn’t know why she cuts off but suddenly there is a light of realization in her that chills him.  
  
“That’s not possible,” she murmurs. “You can’t be…”  
  
Kaworu feels his chest tighten. She knows. The same strange relief he got from Asuka fills him again.  
  
“I know I wasn’t human before,” he says softly, taking her hand. “But I am now. Shinji needed me this way.”  
  
It’s the only explanation he can think of. It’s not like this had ever happened before. Misato searches his face and then looks at their hands. After a moment, she lets out a strained, uneasy chuckle.  
  
“Sunburn,” she says and at first Kaworu doesn’t understand. Then he remembers ruefully the irritated pink skin of his cheeks and nose when he stays out too long in the sun. Angels didn’t sunburn.  
  
After that, they come to an unspoken agreement. Misato doesn’t trust him, not really, but she doesn’t reject him from her little flock either. She takes over leadership and directs them about in an endearing, if halfway useless manner. Kaworu finds himself enjoying her exuberance despite his other conflicted feelings.  
  
After that, it seems every day brings a new person. More adults, NERV personnel, a few strong willed citizens. Their little camp becomes a sprawling mini-city. More people means more mouths and large teams of them head into NERV to get supplies. Other groups venture out with precious water and food to whatever cities they can get to. They manage to get a few vehicles up and running and then things really start to change.  
  
Kaworu watches all of this from afar. The others know who and what he is (was) and there is a definite separation. He keeps to himself, avoiding the confrontations he knows are bubbling up within the collective. He talks with Shinji, Asuka, and Misato, but rarely engages the others. The look in their eyes is enough to know that despite acceptance from Shinji, despite being there first, he is an outsider.  
  
At night, he finds himself looking at the sea instead and wondering who will walk out of it next. Sometimes, he wishes he could walk back into it and disappear into the collective consciousness instrumentality had left behind when Shinji rejected it.  
  
He almost wishes one of his brothers would appear, but he doesn’t hate the humans enough for that to be real. Maybe Rei, though. Her absence is keenly felt. Even if she isn’t his Rei, just seeing her, someone like him… He misses feeling camaraderie.  
  
Their camp numbers something near thirty when the first incidence of violence erupts. He’s surprised it takes so long, considering how many of them watch him as if he might go ballistic at any moment.  
  
Kaworu hits the ground before pain registers. His head swims and he feels the uncomfortable sensation of blood running down his face. He’s barely able to get to his knees before another strike catches him in the chest and flips him back down again. Distantly, he hears someone yelling at him, but the words don’t register as blood drums through his ears. The idea of fighting back doesn’t occur to him. Instead, he tries to curl up, protect himself, but it does little to aid him.  
  
He barely notices when it stops. Everything hurts. He’s felt this before but it’s never any easier to take a beating. At least he has no doubt why it’s happened this time. Kaworu lets himself relax and rolls his eyes upward until he’s able to center on the figure standing before him, arms wide open. He recognizes shaggy hair and then he’s mobbed by other, familiar hands. He thinks he hears Toji cursing but the seconds flash in and out, skipping over themselves.  
  
He comes fully back to himself as they lay him on a cot but it’s hard to stay focused. His head feels filled with water and every sound filters through it. Asuka and Toji hang over him, talking more to each other than to him, as if they didn’t think he was listening. And with how garbled the words sound, he isn’t. Asuka presses a wad of rags to his face and he flinches at the hot pain that streaks from his nose and mouth.  
  
“Easy, tough guy,” he hears Toji, clear as a bell, and then it’s gone into the garble once more as the pain dulls.  
  
Misato pops up out of no where. She grabs his face, looking at him intently, and says something about staying awake. Head injury. He understands for the most part but thinks it would be much better if he could just sink into oblivion for a while.  
  
They take turns keeping him up through the rest of the day and night. As the hours pass, he feels clearer, starts to think again. Toji tells him what happened, at least what he knows about it, and the memory grows more distinct in his mind.  
  
Kaworu doesn’t remember the man’s face from before. He doesn’t have any feelings attached to him, certainly nothing that would prompt such an attack. The man had come out of no where, caught him alone as he usually was, and by the time he’d started saying anything, Kaworu had already been on the ground.  
  
“No more going out on your own,” Toji grumbles, folding his arms over his chest. “From now on, you stick with the rest of us pilots. Got it?”  
  
For a moment, Kaworu just stares at him. “The rest of you…?”  
  
“What, your head still messed up? Yeah, the rest of us.” Toji gives him a baleful look. “We look after our own.”  
  
Kaworu’s chest grows tight. He can’t breathe for a moment and when it releases, it feels like every bit of tension goes with it. He wonders when Toji became someone he didn’t hate anymore.  
  
By the next day, Kaworu is up and around, but sore. He doesn’t ask what happened to his attacker, instead tending to the camp stores since he’s not quite up to foraging or any number of other important activities. One of the others sticks with him at all times. He likes having Shinji around most but Asuka is fine and Toji is growing on him. Sometimes Misato takes over and they chat about this or that while she pretends not to be checking him over. He’s grateful that besides the concussion, his injuries are superficial. Still, the looks he gets when someone spies his bruised face and split lip are… interesting.  
  
He supposes they never imagined an angel would _bleed_.  
  
He’s not bitter. Much.  
  
That night, Kaworu crawls into his tent, careful with bruises and aches. He settles on his cot and tucks the blanket around himself. Outside, he hears the night watch being decided on and lets the sounds of the others soothe him into rest. Before he makes it to sleep, however, the flap of his tent is pulled aside. Kaworu pushes himself up and then feels a flash of surprise.  
  
“Shinji?” he murmurs. The other boy nods and slips inside. It’s a tight fit and Shinji has to duck down. “What-”  
  
“You’re not supposed to be alone,” Shinji replies and then he flushes just a little. “I got nominated for night duty.”  
  
Kaworu hesitates. While he’s kind of happy to have Shinji with him, he doubts he’s needed… And Shinji is visible uncomfortable.  
  
“It’s okay. You don’t have to-”  
  
The look Shinji gives him makes him trail off. He doesn’t fight it as Shinji tucks a second pillow along the cot, scooting over to give him what little room he can. The tent isn’t very big. The cot is smaller. Shinji lays down beside him and turns his back to him. For a long while, it’s very quiet. Kaworu listens to the sound of Shinji’s breathing and feels the warmth of his body. Despite how tense Shinji is, it’s nice. Being close to him.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Shinji asks and his voice is hushed in the dark.  
  
Kaworu is fairly sure he knows what he’s talking. “It would make a difference to you?”  
  
“Of course it- you- I just…” Shinji twists, shifting around to look at him. He’s hurt but for once, Kaworu isn’t sure if he deserves it or not. “You should have told me.”  
  
“…You seemed so comfortable, assuming.” Kaworu doesn’t mean to sound bitter. He looks back at Shinji and wishes he knew what to say, how to make this better, but he doesn’t. “Did you think you could bring back an angel?”  
  
“You’re not-” The words catch in Shinji’s throat. He swallows them back down, looking away, and Kaworu suddenly wishes there were miles of space between them. He feels…trapped. “You’re always confusing me.”  
  
“What did I do?”  
  
Kaworu wants to know, finally. He needs to. He wants to know what it is about this life that was so very terrible that he decided not to remember it. He wants some reference of what’s going on past what he’s figured out and the resemblance to other lives. He feels so very lost.  
  
“You hurt me,” Shinji murmurs but it isn’t good enough.  
  
Kaworu takes his shoulder tight. “Tell me what happened. Why you look at me like this.”  
  
It takes a long time but Shinji finally begins to speak. And then the pieces fall into terrible place. Kaworu doesn’t sleep once Shinji’s words end and he settles into uneasy rest. Instead, Kaworu stares up at the top of the tent and lets realization slide over him like cold water.  
  
No wonder he doesn’t have any new memories. This isn’t a new life. This is _his_ life. The first one. The one that started everything. The one he never wanted to continue.  
  
And he knows this will be the last one he lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should have mentioned this was EOE compliant sorta kinda slight resemblance? XD


	9. Coming Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just so you guys know: you're all awesome.

It’s different after. The news spreads like wildfire that Kaworu isn’t the monster everyone thought he was. Most of them still give him a cautious eye but the fear he’d caused by existing is diminishing. The bruises help. They linger for weeks. But what really changes how the others look at him, what really makes the difference, are the other pilots.

 

The four of them stick close, even if guard duty around Kaworu relaxes. It isn’t as if most anyone can understand them after what they’ve gone through. There is trauma all around the camp, but the pilots know a kind of pain unique to only them. Even Toji, as collected and lively as he seems, is affected.

 

Shinji barely leaves his side. He helps with handling the camp stores and spends every other night or so bunked up in Kaworu’s tent. They don’t talk about that, mostly because Kaworu is afraid Shinji might pull away if he did. He wants nothing less than that.

 

He also wants to sleep as little as possible. When he dreams, Kaworu is running away as voices call and hands reach after him. They tear him apart bit by bit until he's disappeared into the darkness. He wakes with a jolt and then doesn't go back to sleep after.

 

The dreams started the first night Kaworu spent alone after the attack. He doesn't know what they mean. He doesn't really want to, either.

 

It is another night of this that Kaworu wakes from. He jolts up from his cot, panting as he rakes a hand through his hair. He closes his eyes only to jerk them back open again when the hands reach at him from the darkness behind his eyelids. His skin is clammy and cool. Kaworu leaves his tent quickly, needing out of the claustrophobic dark. The stars are of little comfort. He can almost see them winking out if he keeps staring, so he doesn't. He doesn't want to imagine his brothers ceasing to be.

 

Not wanting to be in the open, Kaworu seeks out Shinji's tent. He tentatively lifts the flap and moves inside, wedging himself between the cot and the canvas side. He has to drag his knees to his chest to fit, but that just gives him a place to rest his head. He spends the rest of the night listening to Shinji mumble in his sleep and watching him dream.

 

In the morning, Kaworu doesn't even think of leaving. So Shinji sees him the moment he wakes up and yelps with surprise.

 

“What are you doing in here?!” he hisses out and Kaworu smiles because Shinji is very cute when he blushes.

 

“I'm here because I like you.” Which isn't an explanation but it is the truth. Shinji flushes hard and looks away, but it's enough to make him lose his mortified bluster. Kaworu leaves so Shinji can get dressed, then follows him most of the morning because nothing makes Kaworu feel happy as much as Shinji does.

 

The next night is the same and after three, Shinji stops him from going to his own tent at night fall with a touch to his wrist. Kaworu blinks with surprise, noting the red on Shinji's cheeks and the way he won't quite look at him.

 

“You're going to end up with me anyway, right?” he murmurs. It takes Kaworu a moment to understand and then he just smiles brightly and follows Shinji back to his tent. They rest back to back on Shinji's cot and in the morning, Kaworu wakes without having felt the hands or heard the voices.

 

Kaworu begins spending every night in Shinji's tent and the voices don't return.

 

More and more people leave the sea. Many of them are disoriented and lost, but the others help them find their way. Kaworu looks over each one of them searching for the one person other than Shinji he wants to see. But Rei never comes. He isn't really surprised. He misses her but he doesn't expect to see her. Rei's sense of self had been fractured when he met her and had only gotten a little better by the end. Shinji's force of will could do only so much.

 

Rei won't be joining them and Kaworu mourns her absence.

 

He tries not to think about it, instead going on with the duties of the camp. At least until Asuka perks up one morning and decides they needed a break. She drags Shinji and Kaworu and Toji out of the camp and they search out some body of water that isn't tainted LCL red. It takes nearly the full day. Kaworu is glad he stopped her long enough to pack a few supplies at least, but it seems worth it to see her animated. She hasn't been so alive in the whole time he's known her (again). Asuka and Toji complain the whole time before Shinji spies the shine of light reflecting off water ahead. And there it is, exactly what Asuka had been seeking.

 

The lake is more of a glorified pond but the water is relatively warm and tinted slightly brown from mud along the bottom. It is fresh and natural and she runs into it laughing. Toji strips off his jacket and shoes, plowing in after her.

 

“I didn't think we'd actually find anything,” Shinji murmurs, hands in his pockets, but his expression is lighter. Kaworu smiles.

 

“It's a good think you didn't stop her then,” he replies airly and then moves on to join the others. After a little while, Shinji follows behind.

 

They play and swim and fool around until after dark. Then they huddle together around a hastily built fire and curl up in blankets to ward off the cooler night. The others end up konking off after a few nonsensical ghost stories, but Kaworu remains awake. He sits next to the fire with Shinji curled up near him and stares up at the sky.

 

Before everything happened, Kaworu hadn't been able to see many stars here. The lights of the city choked them out. He supposes he should be grateful to the aborted Third Impact for giving him this massive view but he isn't. Not really.

 

“You're still awake?” Shinji asks drowsily as he pushes himself up. Kaworu responds with a smile and starts to tell him not to worry but Shinji sits up before he can and their arms brush. The warmth is nice.

 

Shinji follows his line of sight up to the stars. “You're always staring at them.”

 

“Mm. I'm a little homesick,” Kaworu admits, trying to be cheerful, but Shinji gives him a strange, surprised look.

 

“That's where you come from?”

 

“In a way. I suppose I'm looking at the wrong place.” Kaworu shakes his head a little, rueful. “I can't see home with these eyes. I can't even feel it.”

 

Shinji hesitates, troubled. “...Are you angry that I... changed you?”

 

“No.” And it is true. Much as Kaworu misses flying, misses being part of something so big, he would never give this up. He leans over, resting his head on Shinji's shoulder, and even though Shinji is painfully shy, he doesn't brush him off. “I made my choice, Shinji. I let you bring me back because I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you.”

 

“Saying things like that....” Shinji's embarrassment is easily heard and just makes Kaworu smile more naturally. “You're easy to misunderstand.”

 

“Then take me as I sound.”

 

Shinji stiffens a little and Kaworu lifts his head, looking back to his flushed, confused face. Then he rests a hand on Shinji's cheek, making sure the other boy meets his gaze.

 

“I love you, Shinji,” Kaworu tells him and his voice has a quiet intensity that surprises him. “I have always loved you. You're fragile like glass and I want to protect you. I want to stop anything from hurting you or causing you pain. I want to be the one you go to when you need to not be alone anymore.”

 

Shinji's breathing is shallow and quickened. He stares back at Kaworu with wide eyes filled with a hope he can barely understand. But Shinji doesn't need to understand that. Kaworu will do it for him.

 

When their lips touch, it is a light, warm brush over nearly as it began. Kaworu has made his point. He doesn't have to do more and he doubts Shinji-

 

A sound escapes Shinji's mouth, choked and small and pained. Kaworu starts to rear back, wondering if he's somehow hurt him, but Shinji's hands grab tight in the front of his shirt and then they're kissing and it's warm and too hard but Kaworu doesn't _care_ if their teeth clink on accident, not when Shinji is pulling him in as if he can't stand being parted from him.

 

There is a desperation in the tightness of Shinji's fingers, a deep fear and confusion. Shinji doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants, not really. He seems to know what Kaworu is offering him...

 

But does he return it? _Can_ he?

 

Kaworu doesn't know how long it lasts before Shinji drops his head on his shoulder, panting hotly against his collar. He holds onto him because Shinji needs the reassurance. He needs _something_.

 

“Why do you say these things to me?” Shinji's voice is quiet and rough.

 

“Because you need to hear them,” Kaworu murmurs, curling his arms tighter around the boy. “Because you need to know that you're loved.”

 

Shinji shivers at the words. He says nothing more for a long time. It's nearly dawn before Kaworu realizes he's fallen asleep and then he only eases Shinji down to the ground so he can slot himself against Shinji's back and hold him until he wakes.

 

There's a little teasing when Toji and Asuka get up to find them that way. Shinji blushes and won't look at him, but that doesn't stop him from walking at Kaworu's side on the way back.

 

When they get there, it turns out someone had found a store of alcohol somewhere and it's for the best that they hadn't been around. At least Misato's hangover had passed already.

 

They help with a few things around the camp but it was late when they got there and soon enough, everyone is gearing to sleep. Kaworu follows behind Shinji as they head to Shinji's tent.

 

“I-” Shinji starts as he opens the flap and then cuts himself off, not quite looking at him.

 

Kaworu looks over him, reading the tension in his body. He isn't really surprised not to be welcome tonight, not after last night. But the rejection is still painful. He smiles and pats Shinji's shoulder anyway.

 

“Good night,” he says and pretends not to see the guilty look Shinji shoots his way. Instead, he heads one to his own tent and climbs onto his cot. He curls under the blankets and tries not to feel alone an exposed.

 

That night, he dreams of hands and voices and running away.


	10. Blown Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Time to smatter some people into tiny bits.

Kaworu wakes shaking before even the predawn touches the sky. He can still feel the hands on his skin. Quickly leaving the tent, he starts for Shinji's but stops. He's not welcome there, not tonight. Maybe not ever. So, instead, he goes to the shore. 

 

And there, laying half submerged in the surf, is Rei.

 

Kaworu rushes to drag her out. At first, he's terrified that she's dead, somehow brought back wrong, but her chest rises with slow, normal breaths even though her skin is cold. Her face is slack, but it is the face he remembers, so many times. Kaworu pulls her onto his back and carries her back to his tent. The plug suit is torn and useless. Kaworu fetches some of the extra clothing the camp keeps around and redresses her. He dries her hair as best he can, not knowing whether or not she can catch a cold in this form. He doubts it, but taking care of her is helping to stave off his panic.

 

No one that had emerged from the LCL had done so unconscious. 

 

_Where is Rei_?

 

He fetches Misato as soon as he hears her voice about the camp. She gives Rei a confused look and then checks over her vitals but neither of them can find a reason why she's so still. The only explanation Kaworu can think of is that perhaps this is one of the unactivated clones... but why would one be here? Whole and fully formed?

 

He hates seeing someone like himself so still.

 

Rei is moved to the supply tent but Kaworu finds himself nervous to leave her alone. He stays at her side, watching and wondering. Something about her calls to him so very loudly. So clearly. He can hardly look away from her and he doesn't know why.

 

Shinji comes as soon as he wakes. The look he gives Rei is a mix of so many feelings that Kaworu can’t read them all. He doesn’t need to, though. He already knows how Shinji feels for Rei. He loves her even though what he’s looking for in her isn’t herself. 

 

“How?” he murmurs because Shinji knows what Rei is and he understands, at least in part, how people are coming back.

 

“I don’t know,” Kaworu replies truthfully. He searches over Rei’s slack face and hopes desperately that she isn’t an empty clone. He doesn’t think Shinji would be able to take it if she’d come back wrong.

 

Shinji is pale and looks almost as if he’s seen a ghost. He reaches out towards Rei’s face and then jerks his hand back before he can touch her, looking at it as if it was some dirty thing attached to him. He swallows thickly, then turns away.

 

“Tell me if she wakes up,” he says and then leaves. Kaworu goes back to his vigil.

 

That night, Kaworu rests against Rei’s cot and finds himself falling asleep. He comes awake sharply when the dreams return, but when he wakes, Rei’s fingers are curled tight in his hair. Kaworu jerks his eyes to her face, but it is still utterly blank and still. He carefully untangles her fingers from his hair and sets her hand back down. 

 

He doesn't know why she would move, but the mimicry to his dreams left his heart pounding and a deep fear in his heart. Kaworu stares at her as a terrible theory occurs to him. He almost doesn't want to know the answer. But then he reaches out and presses a hand to her chest, just under her breasts. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to tell, if he’ll sense it, but he has to know. He has to check. His body is trembling with the ghost of a thousand hands on his skin.

 

At first, there is nothing but the warmth of her body and the slow rise of each breath. And then something farther inside pulses, alive and hidden and _waiting_. Kaworu jerks his hand back, scrambling to his feet so he can back up. He’s overcome with nausea and barely manages to keep from retching. The pull from her magnifies like a physical thing, calling and begging and needing. _Found you_.

 

“No,” Kaworu whispers, horrified.

 

Her eyes snap open but it isn’t Rei. What looks back at him isn’t even remotely human. Kaworu can’t move. He’s stuck fast as the thing inside Rei lifts her up from the cot and sets her on her feet. He is surrounded by her power, her _presence_. It fills the entire supply tent and bears down on him tight and savage. He can’t move. He can’t even speak. 

 

“Tabris,” she murmurs as she draws near to him. She reaches out to take his face in her cool hands. “It’s time to come home.”

 

Kaworu wants to fight. He wants to scream and strike her and get away, but his body won’t move. He’s caught in the thrall of her.

 

Of them.

 

Of Adam and Lilith. 

 

Of completion.

 

Rei’s lips pull into a smile he has never seen on her face before. It looks like his. It looks like a _lie_.

 

“Let’s get you out of this human shell.”

 

She slides one hand down to his chest and then reaches into him. The pain is blinding. He can’t tell if he’s screaming because it blots out every sense he has. He feels as if he’s being ripped apart, obliterated. The pain reaches so far into his being that he begins to wonder if he’s ever not felt it as his memories, his _self_ begins to crumble away. 

 

Why hold onto it? Why fight the inevitable? He starts to forget why he started fighting in the first place.

 

And then the pain stops. Kaworu finds himself on the ground shaking so hard that he has no illusions of being able to get up. He can’t move and his heart is beating so hard that it feels like it could escape his chest. The only sound he hears is the blood rushing through his ears. 

 

It seems hours pass before something gets through the blanket of shock. There are hands caught in his shirt, shaking him. A slap jolts his vision into order and he stares up at Misato. 

 

“Come _on_ ,” she snarls. “Come on, wake up! They need you, damn it!”

 

Kaworu blinks and opens his mouth, but the noise that leaves him is weak and pained. Relief shines over her face anyway. She lets go of him.

 

“Can you get up? Tell me you can get up.”

 

He doesn’t know if he can but he tries. The second time he’s able to sit up and with her help he gets to his feet but has to lean against her. His body shakes as if he’s been electrocuted. The stench of blood rises to his nose so suddenly that he almost throws up, but a second later he realizes it’s his. His shirt is wet with blood and his chest aches fiercely, sharp and hot.

 

Misato is babbling in his ear, something about Asuka going nuts and tearing in to attack Rei, but Kaworu doesn’t listen. He has to get out of here. He has to run as fast and far as he can. He won’t let them take this chance away from him…

 

But then he hears Shinji’s voice from outside and he knows he won’t run. He can’t.

 

Misato helps Kaworu get outside the tent. Half of the others have been knocked down and there are bodies lying still on the rocky dirt. He barely looks at them, eyes drawn to the shore. He sees Asuka and Toji and Shinji and something shining with light so very brightly. He can’t even see Rei’s body anymore, but the others are fighting and…

 

He can’t run away. 

 

Kaworu draws away from Misato, stumbling before he can get his feet under him, and then walks towards the light. With each step he feels stronger with purpose. Ahead of him, Toji gets knocked by a well positioned AT field hard enough to send him flying several yards. He hits the ground with a hard crunch and a grunt of pain. Kaworu walks past him and then Asuka as well as she is dealt a similar blow. The light turns on Shinji and Kaworu moves faster than he can track.

 

He barely notices his hand grabbing a slim wrist and putting himself between them and Shinji. He doesn’t know how but he sets an AT field in place, blocking the rest of the beach from himself and _them_. The light courses through him hot and alive, searching out what inside him attracted it in the first place. He can hear their voices delving into him so deeply that it sounds like his own voice.

 

_home come home we’re going home now Tabris sweet Tabris last piece of us_

 

_Don’t hurt them. I’ll go with you if you just don’t hurt them anymore._

 

_last piece of us sweet Tabris come home_

 

_Promise me you’ll let them live. Don’t ever come back._

 

_come home_

 

_Promise and I won’t fight anymore._

 

_Tabris_

 

_We’re whole now. Let them go._

 

…

 

_Please._

 

…

 

_Please let me save him just one more time._

 

The reaction is a startling viciousness. The light turns hot and voices scream at him with outrage. Kaworu feels it wrapping around his body, trapping him in a heat that burns him down to bone. He can’t scream because there is no breath in his lungs. He isn’t even sure he has lungs anymore. 

 

All he can do is concentrate on that one thought. _Shinji has to live. Let Shinji live. Let Shinji be happy and alive._ He keeps hold of it even as every other piece of him is ripped away. He fights for it, wraps what little of his essence remains around it. _Let Shinji live. Let Shinji live. Let Shinji live._

 

_I love you, Shinji._

 

A sudden hush rolls over him. There’s not enough left of him to move, wound tight around the most important bit that ever existed. His love for Shinji is the only part of him he will never let go.

 

_we will not return Tabris we will let them go come home_

 

Kaworu is surprised but content. It’s okay. It’s okay as long as Shinji lives. Kaworu doesn’t mind giving up his life for him.

 

He knows he’ll never be able to _live_ for Shinji but it’s okay.

 

It’s okay.

 

Kaworu lets go and allows himself be absorbed into the whole that is his brothers and wonders why he wishes he still had eyes to cry with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is another chapter coming, promise.


	11. A Single Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm like a dog chasing a car. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I caught one.

Time is an elastic concept. It waves and bends, curling in on itself. It is as boundless as the concept of _self_. They have no single self. They have only us and ourselves and endless voices in perfect unison in the same never ending song. They are and were and will always be. Endlessly the same, a never changing chorus.

 

At least it was before.

 

Something has changed. There is a single voice out of tune. It falls silent and still, listless in the whole that used to be so seamless, or it sings a soft, sad song it doesn’t even understand anymore. 

 

It is different. It should not be. They can’t fix it. They don’t even know why it’s different at all.

 

There is a single voice that will not sing with them. They are confused. They are one but a single voice will not sing with them. They long for the simplicity of their chorus.

 

They grow angry and their song becomes one of pain and misery and threat.

 

A single voice will not sing with them.

 

They beg and plead and cajole.

 

A single voice will not sing with them.

 

They soothe and comfort and mollify.

 

A single voice will not sing with them.

 

They can’t continue this way. It is wrong in ways they do not understand but can’t allow. They can’t let one voice change them. They must not change. They are unchanging, always and forever. _They cannot change._

 

One voice is a virus. They surrounded it and choke out its song. They can’t fix it, can’t stop it, so they will blot out the difference. But the closer they get to it, the louder they hear the song.

 

_Shinji_.

 

It falls quiet and then rises in vehemence only to weaken once more. On and on in repeat, a song they hate because it is not theirs.

 

_I love you, Shinji_.

 

They are tired of the song. They want to return to themselves but the voice refused to abate. It is different. It is not of them anymore. It is an aberration. If they expel it, they will not be whole, but they are distressed in keeping it. 

 

_**Tabris** _ _._

 

They rear up as another single voice begins its own song. The virus has spread, has begun infecting the rest of them with the burden of self. They can’t let this go. _This must stop!_

 

_**Tabris, can you hear me?** _

 

_stop stop stop go away this must stop this must stop_

 

It does, for a moment. They hope they have finished this nonsense. There is a song to sing, a _single_ song to sing, and then they will be whole and together and-

 

_**Kaworu, can you hear me?** _

 

_no no no no stop this go away we will sing our song go away_

 

_**Kaworu, you must answer me.** _

 

_madness stop it hurts go away go away_

 

They are so busy trying to fight the new single voice that they forget the old one. They forget the first voice that dared sing out of turn.

 

_**Kaworu**._

 

_Shinji._

 

_no no no stop it no don’t encourage discourse_

 

_**Kaworu, can you hear me?** _

 

_I love you, Shinji. I love you._

 

_**Nagisa Kaworu, you will answer me.** _

 

Everything falls silent at the command laced in that voice. They are frightened and confused. It makes them angry but they find themselves lost. Silent. Still.

 

_Shinji?_

 

_**No. Wake up, Kaworu. You are disrupting the song.** _

 

Command, the strongest voice. They bow under it. They belong to it. They understand and they stay silent.

 

_Shinji-_

 

_**Stop it. Stop it now. You agreed. You cannot disrupt the song.** _

 

_I love you, Shinji._

 

_**You will stop this now, Kaworu. You will not disrupt the song. You will give up this self. You will give up, Tabris.** _

 

_Shinji._

 

_**You will give up this self.** _

 

There is silence. They wonder for a moment if the single voice has relented. They hope it has rejoined the whole. More than anything, they want to be whole and sing.

 

_No._

 

Horror laces through them and then they are overwhelmed by the strength of anger that rolls over them. They are at once caught up in it and frightened. They are losing themselves in the commanding voice.

 

_**You will give up this self.** _

 

_No!_

 

_**You agreed! You will stop this now and join the song!** _

 

_Shinji!_

 

_**No!** _

 

_SHINJI!_

 

_**TABRIS WILL JOIN THE SONG OR WE WILL DESCEND UPON THIS SELF WITH EVERY VENGEANCE AVAILABLE TO US!** _

 

Silence. It is a blessed thing but they can feel that all is not well. The anger still rolls over them. And they can still feel the faint vibration of the single voice off from theirs. Waiting. 

 

A single voice begins to sing their song but it is soft and slow and sad. It is a beautiful, terrible sound to behold. It is more painful than when it sang its own song. They cannot bear to listen.

 

_**Stop this, Tabris.** _

 

_I will sing._

 

_**Stop.** _

 

_I will not disrupt the song. I will protect Shinji. I will sing._

 

_**Tabris.** _

 

_I agreed._

 

There is pain in the collective. It sheers deep within them in ways they had never thought possible. They have never felt a grief this deeply. Tabris is different. Tabris is not the same. Tabris is no longer one of them. He is apart and he cannot be with them any longer but he is trying and it hurts them so very much.

 

They will never be whole again.

 

_**Tabris, stop this.** _

 

_I will-_

 

_**You still stop. It’s finished now. You can no longer join our song. We release you.** _

 

There is a quiet surprise and then a joy they can barely understand. How just a feeling could be so overwhelming from one small voice confounds them, but they cannot deny it.

 

_Shinji_.

 

_**You may go to him.** _

 

_The promise._

 

_**We will not return. We release you.** _

 

There is a moment of stillness, thoughtful.

 

_Rei?_

 

_**She is not of us. We do not know her. You will go.** _

 

_Thank you._

 

_**Do not thank me. You have ruined us. Do not return. You are not of us. We do not know you.** _

 

_You are kind._

 

_**Do. Not. Return.** _

 

Tabris grows quiet and distant. He drifts from them, his self solidifying with every moment away, curling around his own song and letting it bring his existence into something tangible once more.

 

They stop watching him. Tabris is not of them. They do not know him. They care nothing for his song. They allow him to leave and then forget he was ever there.

 

Tabris is lost. He drifts as he collects the lost bits of himself, drawing it together into his reawakened self. He knows he must go somewhere, but only has a word and a feeling to guide him. He is so very lost. He isn’t even sure he is Tabris anymore.

 

The silence engulfs him like a living thing. He holds onto the word as if it could save him. As long as the word is safe, his existence is true, whether he finds his way or not.

 

He hears a voice, quiet and gentle, and begins to follow it. The voice never seems any closer but he knows he must get there. He knows it is leading him true. If he can just get to the voice, everything will be as it must be. 

 

He reaches out and sees the ghost of fingers forming before him, long and thin and white. So very real. He grows closer and the voice becomes louder. His body slowly forms itself with his song and his word safe within it. He reaches for the voice with both hands, knowing he only needs one more push. One last hurtle.

 

Fingers find his own. He opens newly formed eyes and Rei stares back at him. Her expression is gentle, a balm, and he lets her draw him into her arms.

 

“It’s almost over,” she tells him. “You’re almost there.”

 

“Come with me. Lets go see Shinji together.”

 

Rei closes her eyes. “Not yet. I’m not whole yet. But I’ll come soon.”

 

He looks at her, following the lines of her body. There are pieces missing, slowly forming along the edges. She isn’t whole but she will be and that is a great comfort. Rei takes his hand in hers.

 

“Can you hear him?” she murmurs. “He’s calling.”

 

He can hear it, that sweet voice. It’s calling a name he doesn’t quite know at first and then it becomes more and more clear.

 

Kaworu smiles as his name settles within his mind. It’s time. He reaches past Rei and lets her go. Then he lets Shinji draw him back into the real world.


	12. Finale

When Kaworu opens his eyes, he is surrounded by light. His hand grips a slim wrist and the other is pressed against skin so hot that it burns. He barely feels his own body. Within the light, he can just faintly see Rei's face burning away before him. He does not mourn. He cannot mourn. It isn’t really her.

 

Kaworu feels out for his AT field and shifts it, forming a shell close around the two of them. He doesn’t allow himself to question how he’s able to. He only knows what he must do. The field contains Rei’s light and it intensifies around them in the smaller space. Their bodies are burning away. Kaworu lets his hand slid along Rei’s arm and then up her neck until he can cup her cheek.

 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs but he can’t hear himself and he knows she isn’t listening. She’s not really there.

 

Then he collapses the AT field in on itself, centering everything on his own body. Rei’s begins to disintegrate in earnest under the pressure as Kaworu absorbs the massive energy generated between them. His own body feels like it’s shaking to pieces trying to contain it all. Kaworu doesn’t know if he will survive this. He doesn’t care. If his field lets up, the entire beach will be obliterated.

 

Kaworu isn’t sure how long it takes. He’s too busy concentrating on the field and the careful absorption. He watches Rei’s body slowly wither away beside him until all that’s left is her arm and the hand buried in his bloodied chest. And then he watches that crumble as well. His back is burning with a heat that doesn’t hurt and he feels… whole. The last of the energy soaks into him and then the field fails and he finds himself falling down and down and down…

 

He thinks he hears Shinji calling his name, but then there is only silence.

 

Kaworu drifts in a milky sea of light and strange, muffled sounds. He doesn’t quite feel real and at first he’s vaguely afraid that he’s lost his body completely again, but then he feels fingers on his skin and lets himself be soothed by them. Sounds come and go in his limited consciousness but slowly they grow stronger, clearer.

 

“I don’t care. I’m not going to let you-”

 

“ _Look at him_. Look at those- We can’t just keep him here if he could flip out like she did! Look at them! Look at what he _is._ ”

 

“I am looking. I don’t care.”

 

Kaworu wishes they were a little quieter, or at least that he knew what they were talking about. He concentrates on the rough cloth under his cheek and wonders why they put so many blankets on him. They’re so heavy on his back.

 

“Fine. _Fine_. But he can’t stay here. It was fine when we thought he was- well.”

 

“So we move him. We could go out by the lake. What’s the problem here?”

 

“Are you seriously agreeing with him now?”

 

“Hey, I know what happened and I get what’s up your ass, but this is my buddy here. I ain’t forgetting that.”

 

Loud, Kaworu thinks to himself. Couldn’t they have this conversation elsewhere? He wants to tell them off but he can’t quite make his eyes open or his mouth move. He’s so tried.

 

“If anyone’s going to finish him, it’ll be me. And I’m not interested in beating up that idiot.”

 

“No one is hurting him. _No one_.”

 

“ _Kids_. I swear. You’re all total brats.”

 

_Would you all just shut up._ He wants to tell them that but he’s just so tired. They go silent anyway. He’s about to let himself drift back into the more comforting stillness of sleep but a touch comes to his hand.

 

“Kaworu?” His voice is so soft and so near. It feels Kaworu with warmth.

 

“Shinji… I found you…” He tries to open his eyes but his eyelids are so very heavy.

 

“What do you…” Shinji’s confusion is adorable. “I… guess you did.”

 

“Good.” And then he sinks back into sleep.

 

It seems like a long time passes before he’s able to truly wake up. Kaworu opens his eyes. He’s laying on his stomach and the blankets are so very heavy. There are voices nearby but they aren’t saying anything important. He recognizes them and relaxes. If Toji and Shinji are joking around, everything must be safe.

 

He doesn’t recognize the walls around him. They look hastily built but strong, a mash up of wood and steel and various other materials into a fairly large space. Four beds span out along with his own on one wall and there are wobbly looking shelves on the other side, a few other things here and there.

 

Slowly, Kaworu pushes himself up. His chest is oddly sore. He remembers the wound but this is different. Feels more like muscle strain than anything else. And the blankets are staying stubbornly on him. He reaches back to nudge them off but instead of cloth, his fingers encounter feathers soft as silk.

 

Kaworu is on his feet in an instant. He flexes his back, wincing as new muscles strain to obey and _something_ moves. Something that was not there before. It takes effort and minutes of practice, before he’s able to move those somethings to where he can see them.

 

There are wings on his back, white feathered and breathtakingly beautiful. Kaworu stares at them and feels his stomach drop. He looks at his hands but he already knows he’s changed again. He’s not human anymore. He lets out a bitter laugh. One step forward, a million back.

 

Toji and Shinji go quiet outside. They appear at the door in an instant and Shinji lets out a noise of relief.

 

“You’re awake-” Shinji cuts himself off as Kaworu looks at him and the relief dies. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

 

“No. I..”

 

Shinji’s at his side in an instant. He looks over him, taking his raised hands- looking for wounds. He’s looking for wounds. Kaworu doesn’t understand why.

 

“Shinji, I’m fine. It’s okay.”

 

“Then why are you crying?”

 

Kaworu blinks. He reaches up and touches his face. His fingers come away wet. But that’s impossible. Angels don’t cry and he’s not human anymore. He’s… He’s crying and angels can’t cry.

 

He looks back at Shinji but Shinji doesn’t understand. He can’t understand. He’s so unfailingly human and Kaworu loves him so dearly for that. He drags Shinji to him, wrapping his arms around the other boy as he tucks his head to Shinji’s throat. Kaworu doesn’t know what he is anymore but it’s okay. It’s okay as soon as Shinji hugs him back.

 

He doesn’t know what he is now. His body feels quiet and mortal and real, and the wings are certainly real. He can feel the subtly shifted muscle structure supporting them, a far cry from the forms his brothers often took. He’s not really an angel anymore, either. Not the way he was. He’s something different, something unique, but he dares not give it a name.

 

The lake is a nice home. They can barely get Asuka out of the water most days. She and Toji run around like fools while Misato works on figuring out how to distill her own hooch because hell knows she isn’t going to ask the other camp for it. Of course her efforts are kept on the far side of the lake, just in case. They know she’s a smart woman, but they only trust her so far. Shinji and Toji make runs to the other settlement when they need something specific, but other than that they do their own scouting and gathering. Kaworu doesn’t know what caused it, but there is a distinct attitude shared by all of the pilots and Misato of us against them, considering the other camp. He’s pretty sure it has something to do with him and his wings, but he hasn’t had the courage to ask. Instead, he concentrates his energy on figuring out just how to use those wings.

 

The feathered appendages are huge and unwieldy until he manages to figure out how to fold them just so against his back. He can only spread them fully outside and he tends to spend most of the time with them half unfurled and curled around him. They’re good for warding off the cold. It will take him weeks to build up the strength to use them, if he even can. He’s not sure just how practical they are. Logic tells him he’ll never fly but every time he sees a bird above him, his feathers quiver with the need to join it.

 

The others always watch when he spreads his wings, varying emotions in their eyes. Kaworu tries not to when they’re around. They treat him no differently but he doesn’t like unsettling them. So, he tends to exercise his wings at night, after they’ve settled into their beds.

 

Kaworu stands out at the edge of the lake. He takes in a slow breath and then flexes his muscles. Behind him, his wings carefully unfold and spread out to their full length, working out kinks from being held in all day. He sighs with relief and gives a few practice flaps. His body seems lighter a moment, heels coming off the ground, but he settles quickly after. It’s a tease to feel.

 

He hears a soft gasp behind him and twists around, wings shifting into a protective curl around him, but it’s okay Shinji. His eyes are wide, taking in the sight. Kaworu starts to fold them to his back again but Shinji blurts out, “No, wait. Leave them.”

 

“Don’t they disturb you?” Kaworu murmurs, unsure, but Shinji just walks over to him. His eyes stay on the white feathers but after a moment dart to Kaworu’s face.

 

“…I like them,” Shinji says, flushing. “So it’s okay. They must get sore folded up all the time.”

 

Kaworu shrugs a shoulder, which only shifts the wing on that side. Shinji watches with eyes that are both cautious and optimistic. Of all people, Shinji is the one with most reason to fear an angel’s wings, but there is no fear on his face. Kaworu wants Shinji to always look upon him like this. He can’t help but curl the wings around them both, sheltering them from the world outside. Shinji draws in a swift breath and then shivers as feathers brush his back. His gaze turns to Kaworu’s face and his expression is…

 

“Beautiful,” he murmurs.

 

Shinji stares at him, his eyes widening. It’s all Kaworu can do to stop at taking that face into his hands.

 

“You led me back,” he says softly and Shinji swallows. “Thank you for giving me strength.”

 

Shinji ducks his head. “I’m not strong…”

 

“You’re the strongest person I have ever met,” Kaworu counters, brushing his thumbs along Shinji’s cheeks. “It’s part of why I love you.”

 

The flush on Shinji’s cheeks is expected but when he looks back up, his expression isn’t. It’s searching, unsure, but there is something deeper down. Something warm and wondering.

 

“I…” Shinji swallows again as if he isn’t sure he wants his words to escape. ‘About you… I…”

 

Kaworu’s heart speeds as his mind gives him a dozen ends to the aborted statement, but he waits. He has to give Shinji time to collect himself. Whatever it is Shinji wants to say, whatever he _does_ say, Kaworu will listen. Always.

 

Shinji’s hands curl at his sides and then raise up to mirror Kaworu’s own, taking his paler face in them. His gaze grows determined even as his voice wavers.

 

“Kaworu,” he murmurs and that name on his tongue is a truly amazing sound. “I… love you.”

 

Kaworu smiles. He’s filled from head to toe with a deep warmth he’d never even dreamed of. Dragging Shinji in, Kaworu buries his face against the other boy’s throat and hugs him tightly.

 

“Thank you,” he manages, voice tight through the emotion gripping his heart. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear.”

 

Shinji’s arms slide around him and then don’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a cracked notion to end this as a lemon but... It seemed kind of cheap, so I didn't. I might end up writing a one shot lemon later if I feel like it. 
> 
> INSTEAD I GIVE YOU ANGEL WINGS. YOU'RE WELCOME.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented. You really kept me going :) I was able to finish this thing because of you guys. So thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is now a podfic!! Check it out if you like: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3683202

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Maybe by TGP [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3683202) by [Rhea314 (Rhea)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhea/pseuds/Rhea314)




End file.
